Harold's words and movements promise John exactly what he's desired for so long. Of course, that's not the whole of it, he wants Harold, want's to be Harold's in more ways than just physically, but this is something he's (literally) dreamed of. And suddenly he gets to have it. Suddenly the space between them is just gone, the gap closed. Harold reached out first and John invited him in and suddenly with Harold pressed against him it seems to simple.
"Yes."
He almost says whatever you want but that's not right anymore. That's not what he's agreed to. He wants to see what Harold will give him, wants to know all of it, but he won't just agree to anything from here on out, even if it wants to slip out so easily.
John is pretty sure that if this involves Harold feeding on him again that he's up for that. He's feeling much stronger already, and he wants to give Harold that. He wants to give Harold whatever he wants. Harold seems much more in control now than he was the last time they were together. John is certain that Harold will take care of him.
Harold does want to feed from him, and he does want to take care of him. He asks permission first -- again -- but then sets his sharpened canines delicately on John's wrist, pricks the skin so beads of blood well up, laps at them slowly. He doesn't mean to be sensual, but his immense care makes it that way, unwilling to rush and closing his eyes to fully savor the taste. This isn't for sustenance; it's for the pure hedonistic sensation of how good he is.
He takes his time. Sampling his blood comes briefly and minutely between peeling back John's clothes, teasing at his neck, then his arms, then his stomach before taking his shirt off. Harold does want to know everything, wants to learn everything that makes John shiver or makes him go still, reads into every twitch as a text to be memorized. He doesn't mind the sexual aspect but it's besides the point. His hands on his hot flesh, testing, feeling out the secrets of what is his that he's never known before--
It's right. His heart feels full and bursting with affection. All those blank spaces he'd let lie before, unknown, he can fill them in now.
"John," he whispers, "so good for me, aren't you? You don't need to worry. I won't ever let you go."
Harold would never say this normally, never say something so absolute and possessive. Now it slips out like a vow. He won't ever give up on John, not ever, no matter what he does; he believes in his fundamental goodness too much, and his goodness for Harold specifically. He knows John hasn't reached that same belief yet, so he'll believe for him, insist on it.
John has to stay with him because he knows no one else will treat him as he deserves: loved, cherished, nurtured.
So this is what Harold meant when he said he deserved better. The way Harold carefully pricks his skin, the way he gently laps the blood away, is completely different than before. It doesn't hurt; John doesn't notice pains as small as that these days. It's nothing like the first time, though John isn't sure what the difference is. Surely this little blood can't count as real sustenance, so is this just for the sake of taste? Maybe he'll ask one day.
What happens in between is very much for John's benefit. He's simply pliant under Harold's touch, letting him do whatever he pleases, but he doesn't hold back his responses. He's pretty sure Harold wouldn't want him to hide that from him. After a little while of Harold's exploratory touches he starts getting hard, but doesn't say anything about it, doesn't do anything about it. He just submits to Harold's attention. As such he's a little distracted when Harold actually talks, so it takes him a few long moments to actually process that.
"I'm yours," he agrees, voice thick with arousal and desire, but he means the sentiment emotionally as well. He's chosen to be by Harold's side and he won't leave. The only person he'd cede this position to would be Grace, and if Harold chose someone entirely else— he cuts off that line of thinking. Now isn't the time, and Harold's own promise is ringing in his ears.
Taking blood is an unavoidable reality of being a vampire, and Harold has had to force that notion through his skull over the past two days. Rationally he can plan around it, take it into consideration, but emotionally he's still hitting a wall of disgust. Doing it like this with someone he loves as a way of showing his affection is palatable, welcome even. He's aware now from his additional research that he has deep unmovable associations with taking blood as a sign of bonding and commitment, and he might as well work with it rather than against it where he can.
John doesn't want it to be anyone else and maybe it will have to be, sometimes, for practical reasons -- but it won't ever be like this.
The pet name slips out unbidden: "Darling. May I?" His hand hovers above the fly on John's pants, where he can see the evidence of his arousal, and after acceptance he deftly undoes the button one-handed. Harold is just as much a tease here as before: he does want to learn everything, doesn't care about chasing his own pleasure in a physical sense, instead wrapped up fully in the mental and emotional luxury of having John under his hands and trusting his mercy.
After a while he has to recline back on the couch rather than hovering over John, because his back is starting to pain him -- he'd need to re-break everything to have it heal, apparently, which he is not signing up for -- and, wincing, he lets John take over. Harold murmurs soft praise and turns flushed and flustered from the attention. He's able to maintain a faint warmth and pulse from feeding recently, and being the object of desire feels incredibly foreign and disconcerting.
He shivers his way through orgasm and finds himself breathing reflexively, uselessly. It's juvenile of them to be trading handjobs on the living room couch like it's the first sexual contact either of them have ever experienced, but Harold can't deny there's an illicit thrill to it. It feels transgressive, a line they've both silently respected finally and enthusiastically jumped over.
Uncertainty creeps in like an annoyingly persistent cockroach and Harold can't quite stamp it out. There's a smoldering desire in him that isn't half satisfied yet...
The pet name makes John tense up and pause, but in the end he's more interested in Harold opening his pants, touching him more, touching him like that, so he lets the moment pass by and relaxes again, giving his consent. He focuses on Harold, the way he's moving, the way his own body feels under Harold, and doesn't think about how long it's been since Jessica used terms of endearment with him.
He's more than happy to swap positions with Harold, to have his own chance to touch, to explore. Carefully, which is a bit of a challenge for John right now but he wants to be nothing but careful with Harold, he takes off Harold's layers, wants to take them all off and see all of Harold, but ultimately leaves his shirt on when it's clear Harold doesn't want that. Maybe some other time, once they're more familiar with this arrangement, Harold will let him do that. It feels like a special privilege to get to see Harold in any state of undress.
Actually getting what he's desired for so long is far better than any of the fantasies he's given into. When he finally comes it's the best thing he's had in ages, he feels so satisfied and live. And when Harold comes John is relieved in a way he didn't think was possible; Harold wants him too. The fact that this wasn't just for John's benefit makes him feel more sure, more certain.
He's relaxing at Harold's side on the couch, boneless and loose, when Harold voices his doubt. It's like someone dumped ice water on him and John is immediately alert and tense, pulling away slightly. Was he wrong? Did he misunderstand?
"What's wrong?" He can't help let some of that fear slip into his voice, he's still not in control enough for that.
"No-- no, nothing's wrong," he hurries to reassure him, though it feels like something is, or might be, or possibly could be, if he doesn't rein himself in. But he doesn't want John to think something they'd done already was wrong, because it wasn't.
Harold finds he now has to explain himself, something he doesn't mind doing with John in theory but is still difficult in practice, words catching in his throat. He's not ashamed of his relatively minimal sexual experience (or interest) but it isn't the kind of thing he typically talks about.
He swallows and sits fully upright, trying to find some kind of composure. "There's things I want that I've never wanted before, or perhaps that I've never let myself want," he admits in a low tone. "I don't usually..." Harold clears his throat. "That is, I'm not very experienced sexually, and not at all since my... injuries. It's rare for me to feel this way."
Swept up and taken away with the mood, is what he means. How much of that is John and how much is being a vampire? He doesn't know. And the types of things he wants scare him.
Oh. John understands now, or at least understands better, and relaxes slightly from being so alert, but it's not like before where he felt like he didn't have a care in the world. He can tell that this is a conversation he needs to handle carefully, but the shock of Harold's initial words have sobered him up enough that he thinks he can look at the situation critically.
He's pretty sure Harold wanted this. John goes over their conversation, the lead up to this event, tries to remember exactly what was said. He's not entirely convinced he didn't start things, not entirely convinced he didn't lead Harold down this path. But Harold seemed interested, even invested, in what transpired after that. Still, John wants to check in with him, wants to gauge how Harold feels.
"Did I pressure you into doing that? Is it something you wanted?"
That's really the key sticking point for John. It feels a bit uncomfortable to ask, but it's too important of a question not to. He won't dance around it, won't mince words. He needs to hear from Harold a direct answer, and if Harold tries to get out of it, John won't let him. He won't let this go unsaid.
Sexual interest isn't totally foreign to Harold, just rare, as he'd said. He frowns at John in vague annoyance at the question. It's highly uncomfortable to talk about and he's forcing himself through this conversation for John's benefit, but he doesn't need to be treated like he could be coerced into anything. Harold is a staunch defender of his boundaries, sex included.
"You didn't pressure me, I'm just surprised," he admits begrudgingly, then unwinds himself enough to give John a rueful sidelong smile. He's uncharacteristically clumsy with his words as he tries to explain. "It's easier for me to... well, give rather than receive. I did enjoy myself, and it was... easy."
The most surprising part of all: it was just easy, effortless, Harold absolutely assured he could dictate how things would go. He could direct John at any time. Something about that made it so terribly simple to relax, like sinking back into a warm bath. It was seductive in a way he'd never felt before and that made him wary of trusting it. He'd gotten John's promise to tell him if Harold did something he didn't want or didn't like, but that's no excuse to run roughshod over him. Harold still needs to be mindful and conscientious as he learns his new limits.
Quietly, he adds, "I find I want new things as a vampire, and I want them, ah, fiercely. I'm not accustomed to that."
That's a relief. It is a relief to hear Harold say he enjoyed it. John lets himself relax on the couch again, lets the tension and concern ease out of his body. He still feels good, physically at least, and lets some of that ease back into his mind. This is a conversation he needs to be attentive to, but he doesn't need to be so alert. He hopes Harold can see how good it was for him, but maybe if he's forcing Harold to talk about this he should too. But it doesn't feel uncomfortable for him the way it appears to for Harold.
"I enjoyed it too. I've wanted that for a long time." He lets his face be open, lets Harold see that in him. He's satisfied in a way he hasn't been for a long, long time. He can't remember the last time he let himself feel this way. Probably, he realizes, since he was in Mexico with Jessica. Practically a lifetime ago.
"What else do you want?" Whatever it is, John wants to give it to Harold. He wants Harold to feel good, to be happy. Frankly, even though he said he'd consider everything carefully, he thinks there's few things Harold would say that he wouldn't accept. And even then... he's willing to stretch things for Harold. Just for Harold.
The whole idea of saying out loud what his imagination is running wild over makes Harold flustered. It's not a discussion he wants to have in his current state of undress, sitting here with his pants open and a semen-splattered handkerchief on the coffee table, the wide open space of the loft oppressively empty around him. He's relieved John is relaxing again, doesn't want to make him upset, but his own lassitude is fading away as his mind kicks into gear once more.
"If I'd known you wanted that so much we could've explored it earlier," he confesses, a bit disgruntled with himself.
Harold knows he's terribly unobservant in this area; it's one of those aspects of human socialization that he's always struggled with. Sex just seems so far down the list of priorities. He understands it's important to other people, and he could've put together that it's important to John, who lives so much in his own body and who he is aware does sleep with others occasionally, but-- that doesn't mean John would want it with him. Except apparently he did.
Harold tries to be as smooth and discreet as possible about zipping his pants, self-conscious and distracting himself (and hopefully John) with conversation. It's easier to address this part first, but he hasn't forgotten and doesn't think he's getting out of talking about the wants that scare him.
"I assure you that part is not contingent on me lusting after your blood. I may not always be physically interested but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy myself with the right person." Needless to say, John is the right person.
That's actually a good reassurance. John had been wondering if Harold only wanted this now that he was a vampire. If he only wanted John because he was a vampire. It wasn't the kind of question he wanted to ask, if only because he didn't want to hear if the answer was affirmative. But Harold has already confirmed that's not the case, has cut off that line of worry.
There's something just on the edge of tense in Harold as he zips up his pants. He clearly feels uncomfortable with this whole situation now that it's over, even if he enjoyed it in the moment. That's fine, John won't press any further. John wants to give Harold what he wants, but if Harold doesn't want to ask for it or talk about it, John will let it slide. If it's really important it'll come up later. He can match Harold's pace, whatever that is.
"I didn't think you were interested, so I tried not to let it show." And not just that John didn't think Harold was interested in him physically, which he really didn't, but John didn't think Harold was interested in him. He's not questioning this thing that's fallen into his lap, but it was something he never thought he'd get. Even now he's still not sure what Harold sees in him, except he's confident enough that it's real; he believes that Harold does want him, somehow.
"It rarely occurs to me to be interested until someone else is first," Harold admits with a sigh. The Machine had to practically bludgeon him over the head with Grace's existence to get him to pay attention. He's really not being coerced in any way, but it is true that getting his brain to slow down and consider physical intimacy does not happen without prompting. It's just the way he operates.
John's complete lack of pressure eases some of his nerves. It also serves to remind him that this is John, and he'd fallen into trading handjobs with him so easily for a reason: because he trusts him utterly.
"Could we... that is, I'd like to have a discussion about anything further before we do it."
His words are still clumsy but slowly regaining confidence. The talk doesn't have to be now, immediately, but Harold does not want to be making decisions in the heat of the moment. With how unknown his own desires are-- and John's, for that matter-- he isn't about to take chances.
That's entirely reasonable. John is comfortable and confident with both his own body and physical intimacy, but Harold doesn't seem to be. That doesn't bother John, but it's very easy for him to "just see where things go" because of his confidence. Harold is explicitly asking for them to talk, which John thinks is very reasonable given the disparity in their experience. Harold said he didn't pressure him, but John still isn't entirely sure Harold is comfortable with what happened now that they're on the other side. That doesn't mean he didn't enjoy it, but John is familiar with enjoying something in the moment and regretting it later. So, they should talk.
"Okay, we can talk when you want." He doesn't want to force Harold to have this conversation now, not if he doesn't want to. Usually Harold is so confident and sure about everything, seeing him like this has made John... want to be a rock for him. Something steady that he can lean against. He can't forget that Harold's life has been completely torn apart and he's only had a couple days to start piecing it back together. John doesn't want to push Harold in any way that might unbalance him, now is not the time for that.
John zips his pants up and rearranges himself on the sofa to make it more clear that he's present, he's paying attention. There's still a looseness to the movements that he thinks he'll carry for a while, but he wants Harold to know he's not just brushing him off. He really means what he said.
Harold can't find it in himself to regret what they'd just done, especially since he can see how much it meant to John, the peace and trust that came over him in those moments afterwards before Harold disrupted things. It's motivation enough to figure out his own reticence and get them to a place where he isn't uncertain and floundering through his own desires.
"Give me just a moment," he tells him, and he stands up to tidy briefly.
Harold's fastidious by nature and now he can smell everything so much more acutely. It's profoundly distracting to smell sex, cues something in him physiologically that he really isn't used to having as a distraction. There's no point in saving the handkerchief -- and he reflects he's probably going to need several more of them in the future, the way this is going -- so he disposes of it. He straightens his shirt and puts his vest back on, shakes out his jacket and drapes it over the back of a nearby dining chair so it doesn't crease, undoes his tie fully and leaves it across the chair as well.
The urge to take care of John settles across him, a comfortable and natural feeling that Harold doesn't think twice about giving into. He makes a detour to the kitchen and comes back with a glass of water, which he offers out to John as he takes his seat again.
"I feel very solicitous towards you at this moment," Harold informs him with a note of clinical observation. "More than usual, I mean."
He does tend to feel solicitous toward John on a constant low level basis, he just tries not to let on. But that pretense is thoroughly dismantled now.
The nice thing about having such an open loft is that John can watch Harold move around through it. Watches him both dress and undress, and he feels privileged when Harold takes off his tie and doesn't put on his jacket. To see Harold in any state of undress feels like a treasure. John watches him in the kitchen, curious what he's doing there, but it's only a glass of water. He doesn't feel thirsty but he takes a sip since Harold brought it over and suddenly finds the glass half empty.
"Is that a vampire thing?" He hasn't openly asked about that part of Harold's nature so far, only listened to Harold share about it. But he feels like he's allowed to ask in this moment without having to step on egg shells.
Harold doesn't need to take care of him, John can do that well enough himself, but he has, on occasion. John accepts it because he's greedy for the thought that Harold thinks of him, cares about him that way. He wonders if that feeling will ever fade, the desperation he feels for every crumb Harold drops for him to pick up. Will he become spoiled now that he can have Harold next to him in his own apartment? Now that he can have Harold intimately? Now that Harold has said he'll cherish him? John hopes not, he hopes there's never a day that he takes Harold's feelings for granted.
"I think so. It makes sense as an evolutionary adaptation," Harold starts, finally getting to what he thought would be happening at this reunion, which is him summarizing the key points of what he's discovered in the dark secret corners of the internet. He's fully engaged in the topic once prompted, returning to more of his natural cadence.
"Having a reliable food source is a significant advantage. There appears to be a culture of secrecy, too, which is why we hadn't heard about it before. Other vampires will be able to tell that I've..." Harold pauses to find a word. "Taken you on as mine," he eventually lands on, "and they'll understand that infringing on my territory would be met with reprisal, so to speak. But there's no point in advertising my weakness to anyone else."
Whether they fear that reprisal is another matter, and one Harold hasn't put any thought into yet.
"Having you leave of your own volition would be seen as, I think, quite embarrassing." Which suits him perfectly. Harold is perfectly okay with the idea that John becomes immensely spoiled.
"I won't leave. You don't have to treat me specially for that."
John doesn't mind other people knowing that he's Harold's. That works in his favor, actually, makes it easier to stand in for Harold, to protect him. And he won't leave Harold's side, he's made up his mind on that. He can no longer say there's nothing that would drive him away, he can no longer make that blanket statement, but he knows it's true. If Harold wants him, then he's Harold's.
And he's pretty sure after this evening that Harold does want him. That he even might want all of the same things that John wants. John won't pressure Harold, won't push him, if just this time is all he gets it will be enough, but he wants more of Harold. Of Harold touching him, of touching Harold. Tonight feels like all his dreams coming true.
"Oh, for--" Harold flusters immediately, taken aback at what for him is a sudden swerve from exposition to personal matters. "That really wasn't what I was getting at, but thank you."
He doesn't have to treat him specially, but he is absolutely going to, obviously. Harold loves having an opportunity to take care of and, where he can, delight his loved ones. John has always been tricky in that regard, with them holding themselves a few steps removed and John's own insistence on denying himself things that bring him joy. Harold has always treaded carefully there out of respect for him.
Now he's practically had an open invitation. It's an unexpected upside to his vampirism, if one that brings with it its own complications -- like having to actually communicate with John.
"It's inevitable that we'll run into another vampire at some point, and I'd like to determine our options for that encounter well in advance." Harold's favorite coping mechanism for extreme life changes is, of course, planning.
Feeling like he's made his point, John lets it drop. Harold is right, they do need to plan for this eventuality. And Harold surely already has a plan. Probably has five plans. He can always rely on Harold to know what to do, to have some way out of every situation; it's why he trusts Harold so much.
"What do you suggest?" He hopes the plan doesn't involve Harold being directly involved in some way, at least not from any distance closer than behind his monitors. John much prefers Harold not having to go into the field, even if it's necessary sometimes. He likes knowing Harold is safe and protected, knowing he can be Harold's outstretched hand, directing things from a distance.
Being asked directly makes him pause and gather his thoughts into something coherent enough to share. An immediate proposal suggests itself.
"I think unless we arrange otherwise, you should be my precious and trusted companion," Harold works through out loud. He's in planning mode so there isn't an ounce of hesitation about making personal statements. "A regular food source and my operative in conventional human society. I'm rather secretive, of course, like our usual arrangement -- that isn't strange for a vampire -- and I'm highly territorial."
A beat, and then he registers everything he's saying might have an impact on John, and he looks over at him with mild, raised eyebrows.
"Of you, specifically."
That's probably going to need to be clarified. Harold doesn't know yet if he will be territorial, is a little afraid that he is, but either way it's a useful fiction that should help keep John safe.
As expected, Harold has a plan. John listens carefully to Harold's proposal, considers the aspects of their cover story. He trusts Harold knows what he's talking about when it comes to vampire norms and it's a plan that involves Harold being in the shadows as usual, so John has no objections. He and Kara have played "jealous lover" before, so he's pretty sure he can play his part. The rest is true: he is Harold's regular food source and he is Harold's eyes and ears outside. The closer the fiction is to reality the better.
"I can do that, shouldn't be too hard since most of it is true. Are there any cues I should be giving off?" If there are, even better.
"Flashing your bite marks would be, shall we say, forward of you," Harold answers dryly. John tends to leave his collar open anyway, so that's a real option -- that or hiking up the cuffs on his wrists.
Thinking of this as another set of identities they need to iron out helps immensely in normalizing it. Maybe it shouldn't since this is his real identity now, but Harold has never treated any of his identities as wholly real, not Harold Wren and not Harold Finch. Realizing he isn't going to be pinned down into being a new person, restrictive and contained, is a relief.
Who he actually is remains as ambiguous as ever, but as long as he and John are constant with one another, he has an anchor to hold onto.
That's a good point, one which John should have thought of sooner. "We'll have to be discrete about those since I'm out so much. It might cause numbers to lose trust in us if the bite marks are too overt."
John himself couldn't care less, but it is true that he doesn't button up his shirt all the way and he's reluctant to change that unless Harold insists, but John doesn't think he will. Still, they have to navigate this as well as the numbers now. Harold is almost entirely behind the scenes so they have an easy out there, but John needs to find a way to play both his role as the face of their operation and Harold's food source, given that he's not willing to give up either. He's sure Harold will come up with a plan for that if he hasn't already.
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"Yes."
He almost says whatever you want but that's not right anymore. That's not what he's agreed to. He wants to see what Harold will give him, wants to know all of it, but he won't just agree to anything from here on out, even if it wants to slip out so easily.
John is pretty sure that if this involves Harold feeding on him again that he's up for that. He's feeling much stronger already, and he wants to give Harold that. He wants to give Harold whatever he wants. Harold seems much more in control now than he was the last time they were together. John is certain that Harold will take care of him.
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He takes his time. Sampling his blood comes briefly and minutely between peeling back John's clothes, teasing at his neck, then his arms, then his stomach before taking his shirt off. Harold does want to know everything, wants to learn everything that makes John shiver or makes him go still, reads into every twitch as a text to be memorized. He doesn't mind the sexual aspect but it's besides the point. His hands on his hot flesh, testing, feeling out the secrets of what is his that he's never known before--
It's right. His heart feels full and bursting with affection. All those blank spaces he'd let lie before, unknown, he can fill them in now.
"John," he whispers, "so good for me, aren't you? You don't need to worry. I won't ever let you go."
Harold would never say this normally, never say something so absolute and possessive. Now it slips out like a vow. He won't ever give up on John, not ever, no matter what he does; he believes in his fundamental goodness too much, and his goodness for Harold specifically. He knows John hasn't reached that same belief yet, so he'll believe for him, insist on it.
John has to stay with him because he knows no one else will treat him as he deserves: loved, cherished, nurtured.
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What happens in between is very much for John's benefit. He's simply pliant under Harold's touch, letting him do whatever he pleases, but he doesn't hold back his responses. He's pretty sure Harold wouldn't want him to hide that from him. After a little while of Harold's exploratory touches he starts getting hard, but doesn't say anything about it, doesn't do anything about it. He just submits to Harold's attention. As such he's a little distracted when Harold actually talks, so it takes him a few long moments to actually process that.
"I'm yours," he agrees, voice thick with arousal and desire, but he means the sentiment emotionally as well. He's chosen to be by Harold's side and he won't leave. The only person he'd cede this position to would be Grace, and if Harold chose someone entirely else— he cuts off that line of thinking. Now isn't the time, and Harold's own promise is ringing in his ears.
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John doesn't want it to be anyone else and maybe it will have to be, sometimes, for practical reasons -- but it won't ever be like this.
The pet name slips out unbidden: "Darling. May I?" His hand hovers above the fly on John's pants, where he can see the evidence of his arousal, and after acceptance he deftly undoes the button one-handed. Harold is just as much a tease here as before: he does want to learn everything, doesn't care about chasing his own pleasure in a physical sense, instead wrapped up fully in the mental and emotional luxury of having John under his hands and trusting his mercy.
After a while he has to recline back on the couch rather than hovering over John, because his back is starting to pain him -- he'd need to re-break everything to have it heal, apparently, which he is not signing up for -- and, wincing, he lets John take over. Harold murmurs soft praise and turns flushed and flustered from the attention. He's able to maintain a faint warmth and pulse from feeding recently, and being the object of desire feels incredibly foreign and disconcerting.
He shivers his way through orgasm and finds himself breathing reflexively, uselessly. It's juvenile of them to be trading handjobs on the living room couch like it's the first sexual contact either of them have ever experienced, but Harold can't deny there's an illicit thrill to it. It feels transgressive, a line they've both silently respected finally and enthusiastically jumped over.
Uncertainty creeps in like an annoyingly persistent cockroach and Harold can't quite stamp it out. There's a smoldering desire in him that isn't half satisfied yet...
"John-- John. I think we should stop here."
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He's more than happy to swap positions with Harold, to have his own chance to touch, to explore. Carefully, which is a bit of a challenge for John right now but he wants to be nothing but careful with Harold, he takes off Harold's layers, wants to take them all off and see all of Harold, but ultimately leaves his shirt on when it's clear Harold doesn't want that. Maybe some other time, once they're more familiar with this arrangement, Harold will let him do that. It feels like a special privilege to get to see Harold in any state of undress.
Actually getting what he's desired for so long is far better than any of the fantasies he's given into. When he finally comes it's the best thing he's had in ages, he feels so satisfied and live. And when Harold comes John is relieved in a way he didn't think was possible; Harold wants him too. The fact that this wasn't just for John's benefit makes him feel more sure, more certain.
He's relaxing at Harold's side on the couch, boneless and loose, when Harold voices his doubt. It's like someone dumped ice water on him and John is immediately alert and tense, pulling away slightly. Was he wrong? Did he misunderstand?
"What's wrong?" He can't help let some of that fear slip into his voice, he's still not in control enough for that.
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Harold finds he now has to explain himself, something he doesn't mind doing with John in theory but is still difficult in practice, words catching in his throat. He's not ashamed of his relatively minimal sexual experience (or interest) but it isn't the kind of thing he typically talks about.
He swallows and sits fully upright, trying to find some kind of composure. "There's things I want that I've never wanted before, or perhaps that I've never let myself want," he admits in a low tone. "I don't usually..." Harold clears his throat. "That is, I'm not very experienced sexually, and not at all since my... injuries. It's rare for me to feel this way."
Swept up and taken away with the mood, is what he means. How much of that is John and how much is being a vampire? He doesn't know. And the types of things he wants scare him.
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He's pretty sure Harold wanted this. John goes over their conversation, the lead up to this event, tries to remember exactly what was said. He's not entirely convinced he didn't start things, not entirely convinced he didn't lead Harold down this path. But Harold seemed interested, even invested, in what transpired after that. Still, John wants to check in with him, wants to gauge how Harold feels.
"Did I pressure you into doing that? Is it something you wanted?"
That's really the key sticking point for John. It feels a bit uncomfortable to ask, but it's too important of a question not to. He won't dance around it, won't mince words. He needs to hear from Harold a direct answer, and if Harold tries to get out of it, John won't let him. He won't let this go unsaid.
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"You didn't pressure me, I'm just surprised," he admits begrudgingly, then unwinds himself enough to give John a rueful sidelong smile. He's uncharacteristically clumsy with his words as he tries to explain. "It's easier for me to... well, give rather than receive. I did enjoy myself, and it was... easy."
The most surprising part of all: it was just easy, effortless, Harold absolutely assured he could dictate how things would go. He could direct John at any time. Something about that made it so terribly simple to relax, like sinking back into a warm bath. It was seductive in a way he'd never felt before and that made him wary of trusting it. He'd gotten John's promise to tell him if Harold did something he didn't want or didn't like, but that's no excuse to run roughshod over him. Harold still needs to be mindful and conscientious as he learns his new limits.
Quietly, he adds, "I find I want new things as a vampire, and I want them, ah, fiercely. I'm not accustomed to that."
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"I enjoyed it too. I've wanted that for a long time." He lets his face be open, lets Harold see that in him. He's satisfied in a way he hasn't been for a long, long time. He can't remember the last time he let himself feel this way. Probably, he realizes, since he was in Mexico with Jessica. Practically a lifetime ago.
"What else do you want?" Whatever it is, John wants to give it to Harold. He wants Harold to feel good, to be happy. Frankly, even though he said he'd consider everything carefully, he thinks there's few things Harold would say that he wouldn't accept. And even then... he's willing to stretch things for Harold. Just for Harold.
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"If I'd known you wanted that so much we could've explored it earlier," he confesses, a bit disgruntled with himself.
Harold knows he's terribly unobservant in this area; it's one of those aspects of human socialization that he's always struggled with. Sex just seems so far down the list of priorities. He understands it's important to other people, and he could've put together that it's important to John, who lives so much in his own body and who he is aware does sleep with others occasionally, but-- that doesn't mean John would want it with him. Except apparently he did.
Harold tries to be as smooth and discreet as possible about zipping his pants, self-conscious and distracting himself (and hopefully John) with conversation. It's easier to address this part first, but he hasn't forgotten and doesn't think he's getting out of talking about the wants that scare him.
"I assure you that part is not contingent on me lusting after your blood. I may not always be physically interested but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy myself with the right person." Needless to say, John is the right person.
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There's something just on the edge of tense in Harold as he zips up his pants. He clearly feels uncomfortable with this whole situation now that it's over, even if he enjoyed it in the moment. That's fine, John won't press any further. John wants to give Harold what he wants, but if Harold doesn't want to ask for it or talk about it, John will let it slide. If it's really important it'll come up later. He can match Harold's pace, whatever that is.
"I didn't think you were interested, so I tried not to let it show." And not just that John didn't think Harold was interested in him physically, which he really didn't, but John didn't think Harold was interested in him. He's not questioning this thing that's fallen into his lap, but it was something he never thought he'd get. Even now he's still not sure what Harold sees in him, except he's confident enough that it's real; he believes that Harold does want him, somehow.
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John's complete lack of pressure eases some of his nerves. It also serves to remind him that this is John, and he'd fallen into trading handjobs with him so easily for a reason: because he trusts him utterly.
"Could we... that is, I'd like to have a discussion about anything further before we do it."
His words are still clumsy but slowly regaining confidence. The talk doesn't have to be now, immediately, but Harold does not want to be making decisions in the heat of the moment. With how unknown his own desires are-- and John's, for that matter-- he isn't about to take chances.
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"Okay, we can talk when you want." He doesn't want to force Harold to have this conversation now, not if he doesn't want to. Usually Harold is so confident and sure about everything, seeing him like this has made John... want to be a rock for him. Something steady that he can lean against. He can't forget that Harold's life has been completely torn apart and he's only had a couple days to start piecing it back together. John doesn't want to push Harold in any way that might unbalance him, now is not the time for that.
John zips his pants up and rearranges himself on the sofa to make it more clear that he's present, he's paying attention. There's still a looseness to the movements that he thinks he'll carry for a while, but he wants Harold to know he's not just brushing him off. He really means what he said.
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"Give me just a moment," he tells him, and he stands up to tidy briefly.
Harold's fastidious by nature and now he can smell everything so much more acutely. It's profoundly distracting to smell sex, cues something in him physiologically that he really isn't used to having as a distraction. There's no point in saving the handkerchief -- and he reflects he's probably going to need several more of them in the future, the way this is going -- so he disposes of it. He straightens his shirt and puts his vest back on, shakes out his jacket and drapes it over the back of a nearby dining chair so it doesn't crease, undoes his tie fully and leaves it across the chair as well.
The urge to take care of John settles across him, a comfortable and natural feeling that Harold doesn't think twice about giving into. He makes a detour to the kitchen and comes back with a glass of water, which he offers out to John as he takes his seat again.
"I feel very solicitous towards you at this moment," Harold informs him with a note of clinical observation. "More than usual, I mean."
He does tend to feel solicitous toward John on a constant low level basis, he just tries not to let on. But that pretense is thoroughly dismantled now.
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"Is that a vampire thing?" He hasn't openly asked about that part of Harold's nature so far, only listened to Harold share about it. But he feels like he's allowed to ask in this moment without having to step on egg shells.
Harold doesn't need to take care of him, John can do that well enough himself, but he has, on occasion. John accepts it because he's greedy for the thought that Harold thinks of him, cares about him that way. He wonders if that feeling will ever fade, the desperation he feels for every crumb Harold drops for him to pick up. Will he become spoiled now that he can have Harold next to him in his own apartment? Now that he can have Harold intimately? Now that Harold has said he'll cherish him? John hopes not, he hopes there's never a day that he takes Harold's feelings for granted.
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"Having a reliable food source is a significant advantage. There appears to be a culture of secrecy, too, which is why we hadn't heard about it before. Other vampires will be able to tell that I've..." Harold pauses to find a word. "Taken you on as mine," he eventually lands on, "and they'll understand that infringing on my territory would be met with reprisal, so to speak. But there's no point in advertising my weakness to anyone else."
Whether they fear that reprisal is another matter, and one Harold hasn't put any thought into yet.
"Having you leave of your own volition would be seen as, I think, quite embarrassing." Which suits him perfectly. Harold is perfectly okay with the idea that John becomes immensely spoiled.
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John doesn't mind other people knowing that he's Harold's. That works in his favor, actually, makes it easier to stand in for Harold, to protect him. And he won't leave Harold's side, he's made up his mind on that. He can no longer say there's nothing that would drive him away, he can no longer make that blanket statement, but he knows it's true. If Harold wants him, then he's Harold's.
And he's pretty sure after this evening that Harold does want him. That he even might want all of the same things that John wants. John won't pressure Harold, won't push him, if just this time is all he gets it will be enough, but he wants more of Harold. Of Harold touching him, of touching Harold. Tonight feels like all his dreams coming true.
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He doesn't have to treat him specially, but he is absolutely going to, obviously. Harold loves having an opportunity to take care of and, where he can, delight his loved ones. John has always been tricky in that regard, with them holding themselves a few steps removed and John's own insistence on denying himself things that bring him joy. Harold has always treaded carefully there out of respect for him.
Now he's practically had an open invitation. It's an unexpected upside to his vampirism, if one that brings with it its own complications -- like having to actually communicate with John.
"It's inevitable that we'll run into another vampire at some point, and I'd like to determine our options for that encounter well in advance." Harold's favorite coping mechanism for extreme life changes is, of course, planning.
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"What do you suggest?" He hopes the plan doesn't involve Harold being directly involved in some way, at least not from any distance closer than behind his monitors. John much prefers Harold not having to go into the field, even if it's necessary sometimes. He likes knowing Harold is safe and protected, knowing he can be Harold's outstretched hand, directing things from a distance.
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"I think unless we arrange otherwise, you should be my precious and trusted companion," Harold works through out loud. He's in planning mode so there isn't an ounce of hesitation about making personal statements. "A regular food source and my operative in conventional human society. I'm rather secretive, of course, like our usual arrangement -- that isn't strange for a vampire -- and I'm highly territorial."
A beat, and then he registers everything he's saying might have an impact on John, and he looks over at him with mild, raised eyebrows.
"Of you, specifically."
That's probably going to need to be clarified. Harold doesn't know yet if he will be territorial, is a little afraid that he is, but either way it's a useful fiction that should help keep John safe.
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"I can do that, shouldn't be too hard since most of it is true. Are there any cues I should be giving off?" If there are, even better.
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Thinking of this as another set of identities they need to iron out helps immensely in normalizing it. Maybe it shouldn't since this is his real identity now, but Harold has never treated any of his identities as wholly real, not Harold Wren and not Harold Finch. Realizing he isn't going to be pinned down into being a new person, restrictive and contained, is a relief.
Who he actually is remains as ambiguous as ever, but as long as he and John are constant with one another, he has an anchor to hold onto.
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John himself couldn't care less, but it is true that he doesn't button up his shirt all the way and he's reluctant to change that unless Harold insists, but John doesn't think he will. Still, they have to navigate this as well as the numbers now. Harold is almost entirely behind the scenes so they have an easy out there, but John needs to find a way to play both his role as the face of their operation and Harold's food source, given that he's not willing to give up either. He's sure Harold will come up with a plan for that if he hasn't already.