ornithologist | .//open post

[ This feels honest; aware of the transgression and not excusing it, but allowing it. Harold is relieved. It would be natural to respond with an offer to fill in those gaps, but he... he can't. Or rather, he won't.

He can, though, offer an explanation. ]

I know. I tried not to contact you because I know there isn't much I can offer. But I couldn't stand to see you taken advantage of that way.

[ That's... nice. John is frankly a little surprised there's anyone out there who cares for him that much, not since his mother died, not since he left Jessica. He supposes Harold must not think of him as a stranger, the way he thinks of Harold. ]

Thanks. Is there anything I can know about you?

[ This open plaintive question feels like it makes his heart spasm. That's a biological impossibility, but nonetheless Harold desperately wants to share something. A few messages come through in succession with pauses in between them. ]

I like eating ice cream no matter how cold out it is.

I would find it extremely pleasing to buy you clothes.

I always knew I had a soulmate. I could feel it. I spent many years looking for you, John. I'm sorry. May I call you John?

[ John is typing out something in reply to the first message when a second one comes through that makes him pause, and then a third one. After the fourth he waits for a little while and when no more come through he deletes what he already had written and replies to them all at once. ]

You can call me John. What kind of clothes? What kind of ice cream?

[ It's a bit of a relief to have something more he knows about Harold. He expected to be turned down and wasn't convinced Harold wanted to actually talk to him at all, so having a succession of messages with real content is... relieving. He feels a little less alone. ]

[ That was so embarrassing of him. Harold stares down at his previous messages in mortification and then John's measured response. Maybe he should keep himself to answering what's asked and no more. ]

Ideally I'd like to buy you suits but I'd need your measurements taken professionally to do it justice. I can restrain myself to clothes you might actually wear.

[ This is possibly the most personal thing he's ever told someone. This is not better. He's cringing at his own words, so he finishes with a succinct: ]

Vanilla soft serve.

[ Suits? Is Harold a suits guy? John has worn some suits in his time, but just the cheapish stuff you can get that doesn't fit very well, especially not someone who works out the way he does. He takes his fitness seriously. But he thinks Harold is talking about expensive suits. He starts typing and deleting this next message multiple times before staring at his phone for too long and eventually settles on: ]

Not sure where I'd wear a suit. I like mint chip.

[ Where would he wear a suit? It's not like he has a job that requires one anymore. What is he going to do now? ]

[ Where do you wear a suit? As far as Harold's concerned, everywhere.

He immediately wants to plan an extravagant outing for John as an excuse to buy him and then see him in a suit, which is an unwise impulse all around. Speaking on it with no intention of follow-through would be cruel. Doesn't mean he can't daydream, though... ]

Not planning to interview for any of the offers that came in?

[ Harold does want to know how he did on those. He really did put considerable time and thought into it. ]

[ Is he? He supposes he probably should take a more careful look at those. He hasn't really had a job interview in ages, do you wear suits to those? The jobs he had before the Army were just simple things that didn't require something so nice as a suit, and anything since has just been in his uniform. He was going to buy one for the CIA, but didn't quite get that far in the end. ]

I have to look at them again. Do you have any recommendations? I don't think I could do an office job.

[ If Harold knows so much then it's worth at least asking his opinion. ]

[ He's asking him for recommendations? Harold is caught off-guard a little. Somehow however welcoming John has been to his attentions, he didn't think he'd trust his judgment that far. It is true, though, that he did considerable research on how to help veterans return to civilian life, and he knows quite a lot about John. To the point that he thinks what John needs is not more exposure to violence. ]

I think you should do something entirely different. Would it be too forward of me to propose I set up an account for your living expenses and you pick a culinary school you'd like to attend?

[ John has to pause at that. He's not against the idea of going to a culinary school, it's an idea he already thought was worth considering, but Harold paying for it? For everything? He can't accept that kind of money. ]

I can get tuition from the GI bill and work part time.

[ That's probably going to be too much but John can't imagine sitting around and having free time. What would he even do? There's always been something to do and now he's just... now he's texting with his soulmate about what kind of ice cream he likes and not asking about how the hell he was able to acquire confidential CIA files. ]

Yes, I understand. That was indelicate of me.

[ Harold is feeling his inexperience with serious relationships keenly right about now. Although just thinking that makes him realize he shouldn't be making any assumptions, especially if he doesn't intend to meet up with John in person. ]

I will respect whatever kind of relationship you want us to have.

[ What kind of relationship does he want them to have? ]

I don't know. I'd need to know you better. I'd like to know you better.

As I said, I'm afraid I will not make for a good soulmate... but I find myself highly reluctant to give up talking to you.

[ Well, that's something at least. ]

What do you want to talk about?

[ What does he want to talk about? Harold really doesn't talk with anyone other than Nathan these days. Not genuinely. ]

To be honest, I haven't the slightest idea. I really don't socialize much. Perhaps I could send you a book with the phone, and we could discuss that?

[ That's not terribly helpful, especially since he doesn't actually seem to want to talk about anything. ]

I'll read it. Why don't you socialize much?

[ Maybe eventually he'll find a question Harold is willing to answer. ]

Fiction or nonfiction? Or one of each? Why don't you?

I'll read whatever you recommend.

Don't you already know?

[ He thinks Harold does know and is being difficult on purpose. After all, he knows that John doesn't socialize in the first place. ]

All right.

[ Now he's going to put far too much thought into it. As for the latter... ]

I'm neither a mind-reader nor a presumptive psychologist. I'd rather ask.

[ John likes that answer. He's almost tempted to answer, but. ]

I'll answer if you do first.

Oh, very well. I dislike attention.

[ It feels childish to say he's shy, so he phrases it that way instead. ]

I'm much more comfortable with computers than with people.

I wasn't planning on going into a career where you have friends.

You asked why I don't socialize much, and that was the answer.

[ This is why he doesn't text people. ]

And I answered it back. I didn't think you wanted follow up questions, but you can have one. Do you have a friend named Nathan?

Oh, I see. Well you can now if that's what you'd like. I suppose you saw that. Yes. He's a very good friend.

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