Well, without you breaking his confidence, I can say that he told me he was horrified by your circumstances. I assume it was something to do with that.
[ Hm. Harold really can't guess what it would be otherwise, but if Accelerator promised not to share then he won't pry. ]
Were you or were you not one of them at one time? [ he can't help pointing out first. ] What is it that you're at fault for here with Mr. Tallis? This is a sincere question.
[ Harold has been on the internet since the dawn of time so of course he knows the sarcasm vs. sincerity issue in text communication. ]
I'm not now, I'm just letting it happen because I'm not shutting down the Power Curriculum Program.
Look, he
[God, what's he supposed to say here? This almost feels physically painful.]
He tried to relate to me. And that was a mistake. I get he was just trying to be nice, but trying to relate to a monster means you're only going to drag yourself down.
I'm sure you have your reasons for that. I may or may not agree with them, but I don't expect that it's a senseless decision.
[ Which is more or less what he said to Jayce. As for the second part -- Harold's heart hurts just reading it. He tries to pick his words carefully. ]
In my discussion with him I became a little frustrated myself, if I'm honest. Things seem rather simple from his perspective. But from mine, I have seen good people commit incomprehensible atrocities, and I have seen 'monsters' as you put it save many lives.
I don't think you need me or anyone else to be nice, Accelerator. I think you do need us to take you seriously.
[He does have his reasons. He isn't sure if they're good enough, especially not right now, but he does have them. And it's kind of nice Harold is assuming that, instead of thinking he's being childish or in over his head.]
I'm not a good person. I know I'm not, so don't pretend that I am.
I think you're right about taking me seriously, though. People don't know about me here so I get treated like a normal child.
[What is it he had thought back in that Level 0's dorm room, when that brat even tinier than Last Order was clinging to his leg?
He didn't think he could be a good person, and he didn't want to be a villain, but even while in that limbo he could still help someone. Things have changed somewhat after taking control of the city and turning himself in, but he supposes the core of that mentality is still true.]
I guess.
Treating me like an adult all the time would be easier. [For him, though for some reason he can't just type out "I want to be treated like an adult." It doesn't feel completely true.] I haven't been a child for a long time, so acting like I am one is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Forgive me, but you are still a child, Accelerator. Or at least a young man. One who has faced extraordinarily difficult circumstances, and who needs to be taken seriously, as I said.
But treating you solely as an adult would be doing you a disservice. You deserve some grace for at least a few more years. Not excuses, perhaps not even forgiveness, but at least what grace we can find.
[God, Harold, stop being like this. It reminds him too much of a talk he and Yomikawa had a while ago, about him being too afraid to accept good will from others and what could happen if one brat in particular decided to stop being endlessly patient with him.
Frankly, it's scary being reminded of that. Again, he's grateful this is over text and not in person.]
I could tell you a million fucking times I don't deserve that, but you're never going to listen, are you?
I'm planning to stay behind for this mission. Would you stop by the library before you leave? I'd like to have enough test data to keep working on your backup processor while you're all gone.
Mr. Reese was concerned for my well-being on a mission whose goal was "survive" and I can't say I disagree. I'm likely to be a hindrance more than anything.
Though it did cost him a frightful number of points.
Whether I'm safer isn't my primary motive, but I must acknowledge that Mr. Reese, Ms. Shaw and Mr. Carver will be more effective without my presence in this instance.
Fifty. I don't believe so, but thank you for the concern. We've more or less established ourselves now; he'd just be using points to accumulate weaponry at this point.
[ If John has enough points to get all of Harold's suits for him, well. He can't be that badly off. ]
I'm not concerned, I was just wondering. [He was a little concerned, shut up, it's not a big deal.] Anyways, I guess if you have points to spare weapons are a good idea. A lot of the missions we have to go on are dangerous enough to need them.
I assure you their purpose is not to watch my back. But yes, we do try to look out for one another.
I'll leave the armaments to you and Mr. Reese. In the meantime, if you are in need of assistance on the mission, please don't hesitate to call on him or Ms. Shaw.
[ He's notably... not adding Carver to that list yet. ]
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[At the very least, he can live up to that promise.]
But it was pretty fucking emotionally devastating, I guess.
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Were you or were you not one of them at one time? [ he can't help pointing out first. ] What is it that you're at fault for here with Mr. Tallis? This is a sincere question.
[ Harold has been on the internet since the dawn of time so of course he knows the sarcasm vs. sincerity issue in text communication. ]
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Look, he
[God, what's he supposed to say here? This almost feels physically painful.]
He tried to relate to me. And that was a mistake. I get he was just trying to be nice, but trying to relate to a monster means you're only going to drag yourself down.
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[ Which is more or less what he said to Jayce. As for the second part -- Harold's heart hurts just reading it. He tries to pick his words carefully. ]
In my discussion with him I became a little frustrated myself, if I'm honest. Things seem rather simple from his perspective. But from mine, I have seen good people commit incomprehensible atrocities, and I have seen 'monsters' as you put it save many lives.
I don't think you need me or anyone else to be nice, Accelerator. I think you do need us to take you seriously.
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[He does have his reasons. He isn't sure if they're good enough, especially not right now, but he does have them. And it's kind of nice Harold is assuming that, instead of thinking he's being childish or in over his head.]
I'm not a good person. I know I'm not, so don't pretend that I am.
I think you're right about taking me seriously, though. People don't know about me here so I get treated like a normal child.
[He is not a normal child, thank you.]
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I can imagine. Either too much like a child or too much like an adult, I suspect? It's challenging when you defy the expected categories.
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He didn't think he could be a good person, and he didn't want to be a villain, but even while in that limbo he could still help someone. Things have changed somewhat after taking control of the city and turning himself in, but he supposes the core of that mentality is still true.]
I guess.
Treating me like an adult all the time would be easier. [For him, though for some reason he can't just type out "I want to be treated like an adult." It doesn't feel completely true.] I haven't been a child for a long time, so acting like I am one is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
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But treating you solely as an adult would be doing you a disservice. You deserve some grace for at least a few more years. Not excuses, perhaps not even forgiveness, but at least what grace we can find.
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Frankly, it's scary being reminded of that. Again, he's grateful this is over text and not in person.]
I could tell you a million fucking times I don't deserve that, but you're never going to listen, are you?
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I might be in trouble then myself.
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Well, I can't argue with you about that.
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[There's a very awkward pause before he types and sends:]
Thanks.
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I'm planning to stay behind for this mission. Would you stop by the library before you leave? I'd like to have enough test data to keep working on your backup processor while you're all gone.
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Yeah, fine. I can do that.
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Though it did cost him a frightful number of points.
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How many? He didn't need those points for something else, did he?
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Fifty. I don't believe so, but thank you for the concern. We've more or less established ourselves now; he'd just be using points to accumulate weaponry at this point.
[ If John has enough points to get all of Harold's suits for him, well. He can't be that badly off. ]
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[Fussing over him. It's nice.]
I'm not concerned, I was just wondering. [He was a little concerned, shut up, it's not a big deal.] Anyways, I guess if you have points to spare weapons are a good idea. A lot of the missions we have to go on are dangerous enough to need them.
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I'll leave the armaments to you and Mr. Reese. In the meantime, if you are in need of assistance on the mission, please don't hesitate to call on him or Ms. Shaw.
[ He's notably... not adding Carver to that list yet. ]
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I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'll keep them in mind.
[Not that he knows who Shaw is, but whatever. It's a lot of progress that he isn't just dismissing Harold outright.]