If someone could exert control over your life -- not an academic question for you, I realize, but bear with me -- would you rather they were totally certain, or open to uncertainty?
Someone else insisting they know what's right for us is unbearable, isn't it?
When you have the power or authority to affect others' lives on their most basic level, I think the kindest thing you can do for them is remain open to questioning yourself. It takes extraordinary circumstances for me to feel totally certain of my decisions.
[ It hurts his heart to read that. There's a million things Harold wants to say here, and he has to pick one. ]
It's not something you can lose, and it's not something that can be taken away from you. But honestly, sometimes it is too painful to live with, so we bury it.
As the Machine liked to remind me, you have to go through all the layers of sorrow, disease, violence and grief before you can get to the hope at the bottom of the box. If you aren't ready to face all of that all the time, I think that's quite understandable. It doesn't excuse anything, it doesn't mean we should be let off the hook for our mistakes, but having a hard time facing your humanity is in some ways the most human thing of all.
[ He thinks keenly and fiercely of John as he types that. ]
[He'll give her that, even though he isn't sure what she thinks applies to him. Pandora's Box; hah, he's very eloquent.]
It doesn't feel like it's buried. If it was, it'd at least feel like there was still something there, right? But it doesn't. It just feels like it's gone.
It can't ever be gone. But if you buried it that deep, it may be a tremendous amount of work to dig it up again.
Work not everyone is willing to do.
[ He won't pretend there's some innate goodness left in everyone, or even if there is, that it means they'll exercise it. Intrinsic value is just that, intrinsic -- but by the same token, it makes the people dedicated to trying to do good all the more remarkable. He'd had such a similar conversation with John when they had that last breakfast and made up, and John had expressed difficulty just like this with the idea. ]
[He doesn't know how true that is. It really, truly feels like most of his humanity died along with all of the Sisters. Like he willingly killed it with them. He's willing to listen to Harold, but on this he still feels uncertain.]
Let me guess, you still think it's worthwhile work. Right?
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[He's kind of feeling like he understands it in this moment. Who knows how he'll feel in an hour or a day or a week.]
It's a pain, and it'd be a lot easier if I didn't feel it. But I'll try to keep on thinking about it like that - a feature, not a bug. It might help.
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I don't know.
As far as I know it's always been the former, I can't picture the latter.
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[Ohhhhh, it's clicking in his brain.]
I see.
It was really shitty. I hated it.
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When you have the power or authority to affect others' lives on their most basic level, I think the kindest thing you can do for them is remain open to questioning yourself. It takes extraordinary circumstances for me to feel totally certain of my decisions.
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Right. It isn't about whether or not I made the right decision, it's the fact that I was questioning myself after I made it that's important.
[He hesitates for a moment before continuing to type.]
It means I'm not losing what little humanity I have left.
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It's not something you can lose, and it's not something that can be taken away from you. But honestly, sometimes it is too painful to live with, so we bury it.
As the Machine liked to remind me, you have to go through all the layers of sorrow, disease, violence and grief before you can get to the hope at the bottom of the box. If you aren't ready to face all of that all the time, I think that's quite understandable. It doesn't excuse anything, it doesn't mean we should be let off the hook for our mistakes, but having a hard time facing your humanity is in some ways the most human thing of all.
[ He thinks keenly and fiercely of John as he types that. ]
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[He'll give her that, even though he isn't sure what she thinks applies to him. Pandora's Box; hah, he's very eloquent.]
It doesn't feel like it's buried. If it was, it'd at least feel like there was still something there, right? But it doesn't. It just feels like it's gone.
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Work not everyone is willing to do.
[ He won't pretend there's some innate goodness left in everyone, or even if there is, that it means they'll exercise it. Intrinsic value is just that, intrinsic -- but by the same token, it makes the people dedicated to trying to do good all the more remarkable. He'd had such a similar conversation with John when they had that last breakfast and made up, and John had expressed difficulty just like this with the idea. ]
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Let me guess, you still think it's worthwhile work. Right?
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[That's surprising to hear.]
Even though he has you and Shaw and the fact that you're all helping people?
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