[It's an honest question, he's even avoiding any cursing when he types that out. He's aware from cultural osmosis that communication in a relationship, even one you don't define, is important, but with Harold and John's relationship already being so unusual Accelerator isn't sure if talking about it is even necessary for the two of them.
He reads through the rest, the mathematical way Harold is trying to explain this hitting him deeply. He imagines that wouldn't be the case for most people, but he isn't most people.]
It's hard to believe that. For as long as I can remember I've defined the entire goddamn world by solving mathematical formulas, including myself. [He's taking what Harold says seriously though, ruminating on it.] But I guess that's just the easy way out for someone like me, right? It's a lot harder for me to just accept those decimals don't matter.
Maybe not. [ He has to concede that; it's hard to fathom anything could shake the foundation he and John have now, the resolve they have to stick together. That much they have agreed on out loud. ] But it's not the sort of thing you casually slide into conversation.
[ Harold is good at thinking things through -- not so much at talking. His painfully precise, articulate manner of speech is partly a deliberate attempt to make up for that.
It's such a relief to see that his words hit home somehow. Harold cares so desperately about getting this right. ]
You have so much control over the world around you, I can imagine it's frustrating for there to be elements outside of that control, especially within yourself. But our minds do not work rationally, so attempting to corral your thoughts and feelings (or anyone else's) with rationality is a bit of a fool's errand.
I have two books I might suggest for you if you want more thinking on this topic that isn't me waxing eloquent over the text messaging system.
Yeah, it isn't. I have no idea how you'd talk to him about it.
[Maybe, given that it's Harold and John, it isn't worth bringing up.]
Well, at least you get how this pisses me off.
[Leave it to Harold to be able to understand the complex situation about how his ability affects his feelings. It makes him feel a little less heavy knowing there's at least one person here who understands his frustrations.]
I don't mind the verbosity, but I'll take the book titles anyways.
[ Accelerator had been pushing so much on what John and Harold were to one another, Harold is a little surprised to see him acquiesce so easily, but maybe it was pure curiosity toward a topic that was rarely openly discussed. He's also not sure what to make of being reassured Accelerator doesn't mind him going on at length, so he doesn't address it.
However good he is at coming off as sure of himself in interpersonal interactions, he really has spent a lifetime avoiding sincere connection. ]
I'd venture to say it's one of the most enduring frustrations of the human condition, if that consoles you any. Your circumstances may be exceptional, but nothing about your feelings regarding them has surprised me.
Here are two books, but it would not be a challenge to come up with a plethora more.
Non-fiction, a primer on research into human thought processes by a psychologist who won a Nobel in economics:
Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman (2011)
Fiction, a seminal work on authoritarianism that serves as an effective treatise on the dangers of trying to control thought:
1984, by George Orwell (1949)
[So... if anything, this is just reinforcing his humanity? This is like when that Level 0 died, how even though he didn't feel it in the moment he needed to remember that his humanity still exists, in some form.]
That feels hard to believe.
[Before talking to Harold he had felt so isolated.]
But that's good, I guess. If you aren't surprised then that means my head isn't as fucking messed up as it feels.
[At least, he knows he has Harold who understands what he's going through, and that means a lot to him.]
I'm never going to say no to more books. I'll look both of these up to start with. I know George Orwell.
Believe me, feeling at your age that what you're going through is something completely new and never before experienced by another human being is utterly banal and to be expected. We've all gone through it -- I certainly have.
I gave you recommendations I felt were likely to be to your taste, but I have to admit that mine is more sentimental. I was reading Rilke again recently (an early 20th century German poet; Rainer Maria Rilke) and he is known apart from his poetry for a collection of letters he wrote to his protégé. Who, I must say, was older then than you are now. Here is an excerpt:
You are so young, all beginning is so far in front of you, and I should like to beg you earnestly to have patience with all unsolved problems in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms, or books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not search now for the answers, which cannot be given you, because you could not live them. That is the point, to live everything. Now you must live your problems. And perhaps gradually, without noticing it, you will live your way into the answer some distant day.
Shit, you're making me sound like a normal goddamn teenager.
Rilke, huh? Never heard of him, but he's a powerful writer. [He enjoyed reading that. It must have meant a lot to the protégé.] And it sounds like when he wrote that he had lived a hell of a life.
I'm sorry to say that apart from the brain damage and the ability to dismantle reality, you seem exceedingly normal to me.
[ He thinks he can trust by now that Accelerator will find any candid jabs a mark of respect and not mockery. ]
I'm glad you liked it. It's always stuck with me. He was a complicated man -- born in Austria at the advent of World War I, he saw the worst of humanity but hoped there could still be something better. The book 1984, actually, is a commentary on the society Rilke found himself admiring.
I wouldn't know. Maybe they weren't, maybe they just didn't give a shit. It's not like any of those researchers liked me.
[So why would they ever bother?]
I guess I am. I've read poetry for school and didn't hate it. I never read it for fun back home, but we've got so much downtime here that I don't see why I shouldn't try expanding my fucking genre preferences.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[It's an honest question, he's even avoiding any cursing when he types that out. He's aware from cultural osmosis that communication in a relationship, even one you don't define, is important, but with Harold and John's relationship already being so unusual Accelerator isn't sure if talking about it is even necessary for the two of them.
He reads through the rest, the mathematical way Harold is trying to explain this hitting him deeply. He imagines that wouldn't be the case for most people, but he isn't most people.]
It's hard to believe that. For as long as I can remember I've defined the entire goddamn world by solving mathematical formulas, including myself. [He's taking what Harold says seriously though, ruminating on it.] But I guess that's just the easy way out for someone like me, right? It's a lot harder for me to just accept those decimals don't matter.
no subject
[ Harold is good at thinking things through -- not so much at talking. His painfully precise, articulate manner of speech is partly a deliberate attempt to make up for that.
It's such a relief to see that his words hit home somehow. Harold cares so desperately about getting this right. ]
You have so much control over the world around you, I can imagine it's frustrating for there to be elements outside of that control, especially within yourself. But our minds do not work rationally, so attempting to corral your thoughts and feelings (or anyone else's) with rationality is a bit of a fool's errand.
I have two books I might suggest for you if you want more thinking on this topic that isn't me waxing eloquent over the text messaging system.
no subject
[Maybe, given that it's Harold and John, it isn't worth bringing up.]
Well, at least you get how this pisses me off.
[Leave it to Harold to be able to understand the complex situation about how his ability affects his feelings. It makes him feel a little less heavy knowing there's at least one person here who understands his frustrations.]
I don't mind the verbosity, but I'll take the book titles anyways.
no subject
[ Accelerator had been pushing so much on what John and Harold were to one another, Harold is a little surprised to see him acquiesce so easily, but maybe it was pure curiosity toward a topic that was rarely openly discussed. He's also not sure what to make of being reassured Accelerator doesn't mind him going on at length, so he doesn't address it.
However good he is at coming off as sure of himself in interpersonal interactions, he really has spent a lifetime avoiding sincere connection. ]
I'd venture to say it's one of the most enduring frustrations of the human condition, if that consoles you any. Your circumstances may be exceptional, but nothing about your feelings regarding them has surprised me.
Here are two books, but it would not be a challenge to come up with a plethora more.
Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman (2011)
1984, by George Orwell (1949)
no subject
That feels hard to believe.
[Before talking to Harold he had felt so isolated.]
But that's good, I guess. If you aren't surprised then that means my head isn't as fucking messed up as it feels.
[At least, he knows he has Harold who understands what he's going through, and that means a lot to him.]
I'm never going to say no to more books. I'll look both of these up to start with. I know George Orwell.
no subject
I gave you recommendations I felt were likely to be to your taste, but I have to admit that mine is more sentimental. I was reading Rilke again recently (an early 20th century German poet; Rainer Maria Rilke) and he is known apart from his poetry for a collection of letters he wrote to his protégé. Who, I must say, was older then than you are now. Here is an excerpt:
no subject
Rilke, huh? Never heard of him, but he's a powerful writer. [He enjoyed reading that. It must have meant a lot to the protégé.] And it sounds like when he wrote that he had lived a hell of a life.
no subject
[ He thinks he can trust by now that Accelerator will find any candid jabs a mark of respect and not mockery. ]
I'm glad you liked it. It's always stuck with me. He was a complicated man -- born in Austria at the advent of World War I, he saw the worst of humanity but hoped there could still be something better. The book 1984, actually, is a commentary on the society Rilke found himself admiring.
no subject
[Not that Harold couldn't guess that on his own at this point.]
Really? You got a couple books of his you can recommend, too?
no subject
[ In other words, he'd have to let them in for them to even observe it to be the case. ]
Are you interested in poetry? The letters themselves are collected in a volume titled Letters to a Young Poet.
no subject
[So why would they ever bother?]
I guess I am. I've read poetry for school and didn't hate it. I never read it for fun back home, but we've got so much downtime here that I don't see why I shouldn't try expanding my fucking genre preferences.