[ That would be too simple. Harold had tried so many times, if passively, to let himself die. Whatever value he brought to the world had long since become outweighed by the risks he presents, and although he doesn't feel like he actively wants to die, it just seems appropriate. It seems like his story should come to an end.
But it hasn't. Instead, others keep flinging themselves on swords specifically to keep him going, and Harold finds himself in the position of holding the precious, incalculable gifts of their lives in his hands and needing to go on. ]
No, [ he says evenly, tone quieting and the steel vanishing into faint echoes of sadness like currents of air moving across the surface of water. ] John is.
[ He would rather go on here, with John, than back home, without him. Without Root, without the Machine, without so much else. What he has left there is Grace -- and she is painfully and indisputably better off without him. Harold's presence does nothing but endanger her. That won't change with the downfall of Samaritan; if anything, it might even get worse, and going to see her in Italy had been the product of severe shock, not a reasoned decision.
Staying in Etraya is at once the most selfish and most selfless decision he's ever made. Whether or not it's the right decision by any metric, it's one he's committed to. ]
[ Survival hasn't been a priority for Harold for a very long time. He's not sure when, but at some point it was like he crossed the Rubicon without noticing, come out the other side with other motives.
It wasn't happiness and it wasn't survival -- it was doing something that mattered before he died. ]
Like knitting? [ Harold prompts, a wry twist of his mouth accompanying it, eyes soft with understanding. ]
[ Harold does tease, but it's usually obvious when he does it. Even his more acerbic comments are targeted either to provoke some thought or deliberately aimed at a place he thinks the recipient can withstand some prodding. ]
I've always liked birds, [ he admits in return. ] They're beautiful, of course, but they're also fascinating from an evolutionary perspective. The diversity is astonishing. There's over two hundred species of woodpeckers alone.
It's quite a deep subject if you have interest in exploring it. Ornithology, that is.
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CW: suicidal ideation
But it hasn't. Instead, others keep flinging themselves on swords specifically to keep him going, and Harold finds himself in the position of holding the precious, incalculable gifts of their lives in his hands and needing to go on. ]
No, [ he says evenly, tone quieting and the steel vanishing into faint echoes of sadness like currents of air moving across the surface of water. ] John is.
[ He would rather go on here, with John, than back home, without him. Without Root, without the Machine, without so much else. What he has left there is Grace -- and she is painfully and indisputably better off without him. Harold's presence does nothing but endanger her. That won't change with the downfall of Samaritan; if anything, it might even get worse, and going to see her in Italy had been the product of severe shock, not a reasoned decision.
Staying in Etraya is at once the most selfish and most selfless decision he's ever made. Whether or not it's the right decision by any metric, it's one he's committed to. ]
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I get it. I just want to be wherever Carver goes.
You gonna be happy here?
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What a question, [ he huffs mildly, lips quirking in amusement as he deflects for a moment. ] I'm sure I don't know. I could be.
Happiness has never been my foremost priority.
[ And isn't that the truth? ]
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Brandon says this place can be different. We can be different here. Maybe we get to pick things that make us happy, sometimes.
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It wasn't happiness and it wasn't survival -- it was doing something that mattered before he died. ]
Like knitting? [ Harold prompts, a wry twist of his mouth accompanying it, eyes soft with understanding. ]
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And bird watching. I really like birds. I, uh, I think I heard a woodpecker the other day.
[Either that or he was hallucinating percussive sounds. Not unusual.]
no subject
I've always liked birds, [ he admits in return. ] They're beautiful, of course, but they're also fascinating from an evolutionary perspective. The diversity is astonishing. There's over two hundred species of woodpeckers alone.
It's quite a deep subject if you have interest in exploring it. Ornithology, that is.
no subject
After Afghanistan though, my memory isn't so good.