[ It's true that they do have an odd kind of tacit understanding -- Harold doesn't want to give personal details and Accelerator doesn't ask. It makes the conversation relatively smooth instead of the awkward push and pull Harold tends to end up in when others touch on his backstory and he refuses to elaborate. ]
At the time, yes. In retrospect I can't imagine my life going any differently, but that's no reason you shouldn't learn from my mistakes.
You greatly underestimate the multi-tasking capabilities of an artificial super intelligence. [ Keeping track of Accelerator is probably not more than a blip in her processing power. But they're really getting off on a tangent here, so Harold tries to bring it back. ]
Well, my biological family abandoned me and I abandoned the life I had before I turned myself in to law enforcement, so too late for that.
[Not that it isn't a good lesson. Accelerator just doesn't think he'd ever be in the position to take advantage of it.
This is over text, so Harold is missing the snort he makes. Okay, that's likely true, but he can't help feeling like a pathetic burden on her already.
There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to answer that question. The temptation to dismiss it is nearly overwhelming, but he kind of showed his hand with his very first text. It'd be obvious he was lying.
Fine, then. He's feeling like crap, he may as well wallow in those feelings.]
I meant it far more metaphorically and less literally. I was taking your question seriously. I try to stop myself from acting on impulse because I've seen the consequences of if I don't.
Well, without you breaking his confidence, I can say that he told me he was horrified by your circumstances. I assume it was something to do with that.
[ Hm. Harold really can't guess what it would be otherwise, but if Accelerator promised not to share then he won't pry. ]
Were you or were you not one of them at one time? [ he can't help pointing out first. ] What is it that you're at fault for here with Mr. Tallis? This is a sincere question.
[ Harold has been on the internet since the dawn of time so of course he knows the sarcasm vs. sincerity issue in text communication. ]
I'm not now, I'm just letting it happen because I'm not shutting down the Power Curriculum Program.
Look, he
[God, what's he supposed to say here? This almost feels physically painful.]
He tried to relate to me. And that was a mistake. I get he was just trying to be nice, but trying to relate to a monster means you're only going to drag yourself down.
I'm sure you have your reasons for that. I may or may not agree with them, but I don't expect that it's a senseless decision.
[ Which is more or less what he said to Jayce. As for the second part -- Harold's heart hurts just reading it. He tries to pick his words carefully. ]
In my discussion with him I became a little frustrated myself, if I'm honest. Things seem rather simple from his perspective. But from mine, I have seen good people commit incomprehensible atrocities, and I have seen 'monsters' as you put it save many lives.
I don't think you need me or anyone else to be nice, Accelerator. I think you do need us to take you seriously.
[He does have his reasons. He isn't sure if they're good enough, especially not right now, but he does have them. And it's kind of nice Harold is assuming that, instead of thinking he's being childish or in over his head.]
I'm not a good person. I know I'm not, so don't pretend that I am.
I think you're right about taking me seriously, though. People don't know about me here so I get treated like a normal child.
[What is it he had thought back in that Level 0's dorm room, when that brat even tinier than Last Order was clinging to his leg?
He didn't think he could be a good person, and he didn't want to be a villain, but even while in that limbo he could still help someone. Things have changed somewhat after taking control of the city and turning himself in, but he supposes the core of that mentality is still true.]
I guess.
Treating me like an adult all the time would be easier. [For him, though for some reason he can't just type out "I want to be treated like an adult." It doesn't feel completely true.] I haven't been a child for a long time, so acting like I am one is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Forgive me, but you are still a child, Accelerator. Or at least a young man. One who has faced extraordinarily difficult circumstances, and who needs to be taken seriously, as I said.
But treating you solely as an adult would be doing you a disservice. You deserve some grace for at least a few more years. Not excuses, perhaps not even forgiveness, but at least what grace we can find.
[God, Harold, stop being like this. It reminds him too much of a talk he and Yomikawa had a while ago, about him being too afraid to accept good will from others and what could happen if one brat in particular decided to stop being endlessly patient with him.
Frankly, it's scary being reminded of that. Again, he's grateful this is over text and not in person.]
I could tell you a million fucking times I don't deserve that, but you're never going to listen, are you?
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At the time, yes. In retrospect I can't imagine my life going any differently, but that's no reason you shouldn't learn from my mistakes.
You greatly underestimate the multi-tasking capabilities of an artificial super intelligence. [ Keeping track of Accelerator is probably not more than a blip in her processing power. But they're really getting off on a tangent here, so Harold tries to bring it back. ]
What is it that's bothering you?
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[Not that it isn't a good lesson. Accelerator just doesn't think he'd ever be in the position to take advantage of it.
This is over text, so Harold is missing the snort he makes. Okay, that's likely true, but he can't help feeling like a pathetic burden on her already.
There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to answer that question. The temptation to dismiss it is nearly overwhelming, but he kind of showed his hand with his very first text. It'd be obvious he was lying.
Fine, then. He's feeling like crap, he may as well wallow in those feelings.]
How often do I piss you off?
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So far, not at all.
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Hmph.
People die when I get impulsive. That's not a problem.
[....... Okay, now he must be joking.]
What? No fucking way.
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For what reason would I have been angry with you?
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Harsh words aren't something I get angry over.
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[No, it doesn't. He's just feeling aggrieved that Harold is being so kind and patient.]
I keep pissed Talis off. I think he hates me by this point.
[That's what makes him feel sick.]
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I doubt he hates you. More likely you're causing him to reevaluate some moral positions he's been comfortable in. A painful process indeed.
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No. No, I didn't do that. This was beyond a moral disagreement, especially for him.
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[At the very least, he can live up to that promise.]
But it was pretty fucking emotionally devastating, I guess.
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Were you or were you not one of them at one time? [ he can't help pointing out first. ] What is it that you're at fault for here with Mr. Tallis? This is a sincere question.
[ Harold has been on the internet since the dawn of time so of course he knows the sarcasm vs. sincerity issue in text communication. ]
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Look, he
[God, what's he supposed to say here? This almost feels physically painful.]
He tried to relate to me. And that was a mistake. I get he was just trying to be nice, but trying to relate to a monster means you're only going to drag yourself down.
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[ Which is more or less what he said to Jayce. As for the second part -- Harold's heart hurts just reading it. He tries to pick his words carefully. ]
In my discussion with him I became a little frustrated myself, if I'm honest. Things seem rather simple from his perspective. But from mine, I have seen good people commit incomprehensible atrocities, and I have seen 'monsters' as you put it save many lives.
I don't think you need me or anyone else to be nice, Accelerator. I think you do need us to take you seriously.
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[He does have his reasons. He isn't sure if they're good enough, especially not right now, but he does have them. And it's kind of nice Harold is assuming that, instead of thinking he's being childish or in over his head.]
I'm not a good person. I know I'm not, so don't pretend that I am.
I think you're right about taking me seriously, though. People don't know about me here so I get treated like a normal child.
[He is not a normal child, thank you.]
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I can imagine. Either too much like a child or too much like an adult, I suspect? It's challenging when you defy the expected categories.
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He didn't think he could be a good person, and he didn't want to be a villain, but even while in that limbo he could still help someone. Things have changed somewhat after taking control of the city and turning himself in, but he supposes the core of that mentality is still true.]
I guess.
Treating me like an adult all the time would be easier. [For him, though for some reason he can't just type out "I want to be treated like an adult." It doesn't feel completely true.] I haven't been a child for a long time, so acting like I am one is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
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But treating you solely as an adult would be doing you a disservice. You deserve some grace for at least a few more years. Not excuses, perhaps not even forgiveness, but at least what grace we can find.
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Frankly, it's scary being reminded of that. Again, he's grateful this is over text and not in person.]
I could tell you a million fucking times I don't deserve that, but you're never going to listen, are you?
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I might be in trouble then myself.
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Well, I can't argue with you about that.
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