[ He recognizes this as more forthcoming than professionalism would warrant, and it inspires a multitude of conflicted feelings in him. Memory is a complicated subject for Harold. He mourns his father's loss of memory so deeply, but he'd also stripped it from the Machine intentionally, resetting her every night for years upon years until she could take ownership of her own processes through a contingency he'd purposefully coded for.
Can he really say anything about this without being an immense hypocrite? Probably not. ]
But he's physically all right now, you said? It's such a strange acclimatization to be here. He's fortunate to have you here to provide familiarity through it.
[ Better than waking up burned and brutalized. There's a scar on Bossie's back from the knife, the same wound that Pope condemned him for, but it's healed up just fine.
Carver doesn't say anything more for a long time. He almost leaves it at that. ]
[ There's a delay in response as Harold determines it's best not to challenge this directly, however much he wants to. That is a profound betrayal -- but he thinks Carver knows that already, intrinsically, and is struggling to rationalize it. ]
Then he must be very confused.
[ Deserved or not by your own mind, someone you see as an authority, almost as a parent if not explicitly, hurting you... it's deeply confusing.
He remembers sharply what it had been like to realize he was doing that to the Machine, and how she'd tried to reconcile it. ]
[ Harold had been scared, too, for a long time after arriving, but he's not sure that's wise to say and he can't quite push past his own reticence in admitting it. ]
It's easier to be that for someone else than for yourself, isn't it?
If you can convince him Ms. Shaw or Mr. Reese is adequate protection in your place, they can take a shift from you.
[ The only time in his life Harold had been completely without allies was a very dark time indeed, when he'd almost killed Alicia Corwin, been stuck in a wheelchair and constantly wondering why he was still alive. ]
[ It sounds like there should be more to that story, but he's not sure it's immediately relevant. Realistically, the rest of the story is just going to be sad. He's also reminded of how much he detests use of the word 'marked', but it's not the first time he's heard this, so he doesn't harp on it. ]
So it wasn't safe to get attached to anyone. I can appreciate that mindset. Being close to me has been dangerous for others for several years.
One of the stranger things about being in Etraya, I think, is how much less necessary it is to guard my identity.
If it's possible for us to be here, maybe it's possible to shepherd those from your world to another. A kind of transdimensional refugee migration -- saving the people rather than the world.
I don't know if I can conscience knowing that it's theoretically possible, and that in your world people are killing one another for food, and not try to pursue it.
[ If that's a huge swerve and too ambitious to seem real, well, that's just how Harold decides things: abruptly and completely. He just can't listen to (or read) things like this and not try to take action. If he were better at accepting the sad realities of existence, he'd never have made the Machine. ]
[ He hadn't thought of that and can't say why the idea sits uncomfortable in him now when Harold lays it out. Maybe because most of the people Carver's met in the last decade have been evil, spiteful little shits. Cruel to each other simply for the sake of it.
He doesn't say that. It wouldn't help. ]
That'd be dangerous. Most of them wouldn't thank you for it.
[ In Harold's opinion, that is what tends to happen to people under immense duress and constant peril, Mr. Carver himself being one example. Changing their circumstances for the better also allows them to become better people. ]
I can't say I've ever particularly cared about being thanked, but point taken about the dangerousness. It isn't something to be undertaken lightly, of course. But if it's something you'd like to pursue, I will support you.
[ If John is here, why couldn't Matthew Shaw be? But that isn't a discussion to be undertaken lightly, either. And it means something to him that Carver doesn't react with incredulity or wariness, about what Harold would expect in return.
It seems like he just believes that he would. That's a remarkable indicator of progress, if so. ]
[ He's thankful, in the end, that Harold doesn't push. Just accepts the answer and moves on. The rest of the conversation is complicated enough as it is. ]
Okay I guess Had a bad night but he hasn't stabbed me yet
Substantially younger in mindset if not in years? That can happen, or vice-versa.
[ He's thinking of Accelerator, who demonstrates the opposite -- a tired old convict's mindset, but only fifteen years old. He's trying to put together what kind of relationship Carver has with Bossie. ]
You said you served as second, didn't you? So he sees you as higher on the hierarchy?
Some of the others needed more care, more structure. Bossie needed it more than most.
I give orders but I took a chance on him. Pope wasn't sure about him at first. He was real green. Got nervous around people.
But he survived. Lot of the other kids I trained didn't. I made him a good fighter. He just
He gets nervous.
[ Pope always hated that. Maybe it was always going to come to a head the moment Carver wasn't fast enough to get between them. He froze in front of the bonfire. He froze and what happened next was his fault. ]
You tried remarkably hard to save him, didn't you?
[ It's not vindicating, not satisfying, to realize Carver is more like John than he'd care to admit, showing mercy where his superiors expect him to demonstrate callousness. It just makes him sad to see that this is true once again, in another place and another time with another person.
And it firms his resolve to summarily deal with Pope should he ever arrive. Perhaps he'll make a specific plan for just that possibility... ]
I hope it goes without saying, but in case it needs to be said, you needn't do it alone.
[ Harold feels like some things need to be made explicit. If he's learned nothing else from watching so many loved ones die, it's the regret of leaving things unsaid. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Can he really say anything about this without being an immense hypocrite? Probably not. ]
But he's physically all right now, you said? It's such a strange acclimatization to be here. He's fortunate to have you here to provide familiarity through it.
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[ Better than waking up burned and brutalized. There's a scar on Bossie's back from the knife, the same wound that Pope condemned him for, but it's healed up just fine.
Carver doesn't say anything more for a long time. He almost leaves it at that. ]
Pope hurt him
[ It's a sin to admit this to an outsider. ]
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Then he must be very confused.
[ Deserved or not by your own mind, someone you see as an authority, almost as a parent if not explicitly, hurting you... it's deeply confusing.
He remembers sharply what it had been like to realize he was doing that to the Machine, and how she'd tried to reconcile it. ]
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[ The unspoken part: that Carver's scared, too. He doesn't know what to do with that thought. It's a sin, surely. ]
I'm trying to be steady for him
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It's easier to be that for someone else than for yourself, isn't it?
If you can convince him Ms. Shaw or Mr. Reese is adequate protection in your place, they can take a shift from you.
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[ That's the sad, brutal truth of it. ]
That's not a good idea. He won't sleep around them.
I'm working on it. We didn't have allies back home.
cw: mild internalized ableism
[ The only time in his life Harold had been completely without allies was a very dark time indeed, when he'd almost killed Alicia Corwin, been stuck in a wheelchair and constantly wondering why he was still alive. ]
None at all? Why not?
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[ He almost leaves it at that. But that's not the whole picture, is it? ]
Pope started marking people after that.
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So it wasn't safe to get attached to anyone. I can appreciate that mindset. Being close to me has been dangerous for others for several years.
One of the stranger things about being in Etraya, I think, is how much less necessary it is to guard my identity.
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[ They locked it down. They protected themselves. Even now, he's not certain Pope was wrong to do it. ]
Yeah. I get that.
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I don't know if I can conscience knowing that it's theoretically possible, and that in your world people are killing one another for food, and not try to pursue it.
[ If that's a huge swerve and too ambitious to seem real, well, that's just how Harold decides things: abruptly and completely. He just can't listen to (or read) things like this and not try to take action. If he were better at accepting the sad realities of existence, he'd never have made the Machine. ]
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He doesn't say that. It wouldn't help. ]
That'd be dangerous. Most of them wouldn't thank you for it.
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I can't say I've ever particularly cared about being thanked, but point taken about the dangerousness. It isn't something to be undertaken lightly, of course. But if it's something you'd like to pursue, I will support you.
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Maybe it's because a world that doesn't have Matthew Shaw in it is a world Carver doesn't want to save.
Maybe. ]
I don't know if that's something I should answer.
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[ If John is here, why couldn't Matthew Shaw be? But that isn't a discussion to be undertaken lightly, either. And it means something to him that Carver doesn't react with incredulity or wariness, about what Harold would expect in return.
It seems like he just believes that he would. That's a remarkable indicator of progress, if so. ]
How is your brother doing with the adjustment?
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Okay I guess
Had a bad night but he hasn't stabbed me yet
[ This both is and is not a joke. ]
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I know more than one healer if need be. Please don't suffer in silence if you do stab one another.
You called him a kid -- how old is he?
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[ Genuinely. Sometimes they startle bad. It wouldn't be the first time a Reaper's done injury to a brother without meaning to. ]
Couple years younger than me. It felt like more when we were in Afghanistan. He's the baby of the company. Youngest we ever recruited.
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[ He's thinking of Accelerator, who demonstrates the opposite -- a tired old convict's mindset, but only fifteen years old. He's trying to put together what kind of relationship Carver has with Bossie. ]
You said you served as second, didn't you? So he sees you as higher on the hierarchy?
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[ There's an uneasy pause. ]
Brittle. Sometimes. We looked after him.
Some of the others needed more care, more structure. Bossie needed it more than most.
I give orders but I took a chance on him. Pope wasn't sure about him at first. He was real green. Got nervous around people.
But he survived. Lot of the other kids I trained didn't. I made him a good fighter. He just
He gets nervous.
[ Pope always hated that. Maybe it was always going to come to a head the moment Carver wasn't fast enough to get between them. He froze in front of the bonfire. He froze and what happened next was his fault. ]
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[ It's not vindicating, not satisfying, to realize Carver is more like John than he'd care to admit, showing mercy where his superiors expect him to demonstrate callousness. It just makes him sad to see that this is true once again, in another place and another time with another person.
And it firms his resolve to summarily deal with Pope should he ever arrive. Perhaps he'll make a specific plan for just that possibility... ]
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[ This haunts him. He tried so hard not to think about it for months but he's had dreams about Bossie screaming. Awful goddamn dreams. ]
I froze
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Oh, Brandon. That doesn't mean you didn't try.
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[ All of them did. Even Leah. They stood there and they didn’t say a word while Bossie died. ]
It won’t be like that here. I’ll do better
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[ Harold feels like some things need to be made explicit. If he's learned nothing else from watching so many loved ones die, it's the regret of leaving things unsaid. ]
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