.//INBOX

[ornithologist]

Comments

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah.
Exactly like that.

[ There's a long pause. Then: ]

I know we're not easy to be around. I know that.

[ornithologist]

Please don't project your self-castigation onto me. I don't find either of you difficult at all.

[fortitudosalutis]

I'm sorry.

[ornithologist]

What did I just say?

[ But he means it ruefully. ]

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, or his. It just hasn't been my experience. If you're wondering what I'm thinking, then ask.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ There's a long pause. ]

I think I'm fucking it up with Bossie
That's all.

[ornithologist]

Why do you think that?

[fortitudosalutis]

He's hurt and I don't know how to make it better.

[ornithologist]

Funny. That's more or less what he said to me.

Maybe you should say it to each other.

[fortitudosalutis]

Oh

[ He sits with that for another long pause. Maybe too long. ]

It's hard to shake sometimes. There were things we weren't supposed to talk about back home.

[ornithologist]

I can understand that. It's difficult to air out those wounds.

But I think you already know that if you want someone else to put down their defenses, you should put down yours first.

[fortitudosalutis]

How'd you do it?

[ornithologist]

I suppose it's much like putting your weapon down first. You accept that you might get hurt.

[fortitudosalutis]

I haven't done that for a long time. Not even for a minute.

Think I want to try, though.

[ornithologist]

There are things worth more than getting hurt. To me, at least.

It becomes so simple from that angle.

[fortitudosalutis]

Big risk, isn't it?

[ornithologist]

Sometimes the alternative is the bigger risk, don't you think?

When you let protecting yourself become a reflex, you also choose the consequences of that. It can mean other people pay the price instead of you.

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah
It was like that in the Reapers
I don't know what it looks like to step away from that

Think I want to try, though

[ornithologist]

Perhaps you can start by telling Mr. Bossie just what you told me here.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ ... ]

Yeah

[ornithologist]

You care for one another very much. At home we settle on a particular way of showing that, one that we consider safe.

Etraya does rather open up our options.

[fortitudosalutis]

It's hard sometimes. Having options. Was simpler back home.

Not always better, though.

[ornithologist]

Are you familiar with the concept of the paradox of choice?

[fortitudosalutis]

No

[ornithologist]

Having a smaller number of choices is psychologically less stressful for us. It's simply the way our brains work.

When we have many choices, we become fixated on making the best possible choice, instead of one that is good enough. It's natural to prefer situations where you can feel confident you made the best possible choice, because your options were limited.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ Carver sits with that for a long time. ]

It was like that back home. We made everything simple because otherwise we'd die.

And now we're here. The old metrics don't fit.