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[ornithologist]

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[fortitudosalutis]

You gotta be practical about this shit.

[ They taught Matthew how to use a knife, how to fire a gun. How to aim, always, for the head. ]

Reese isn't always gonna be there.

[ornithologist]

Mr. Carver, I assure you, I am not going to knife someone in the head whether they are dead or living.

It's just a limitation you'll have to live with.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ There's a long pause. Then: ]

I had to knife the best friend I'd ever had. Because if I hadn't, that thing waking up inside her would've killed the rest of us.

[ He misses Delaney like a wound. He always will. ]

It won't be a person anymore. Doesn't make you a murderer.

[ornithologist]

I'm so very sorry you had to do that.

[ And he is, with complete sincerity. ]

Believe me, I'm not passing moral judgment. But I don't want to become the person I would need to be in order to be capable of that. Myself, personally.

[fortitudosalutis]

The alternative is dying bad. It doesn't go slow, either.

I'm not threatening you. I'm trying to help you.

[ornithologist]

I realize that and I do appreciate it. But that's a risk I'm willing to take.

[ He would rather be dead than become that person. Harold doesn't know where that would end once he went there. ]

I've been prepared to die for a long time now.

cw: gore

[fortitudosalutis]

It's really not about that. You can't protect your people when your guts are hanging out.

[ornithologist]

[ He wants to say he didn't make anyone a promise of protection, that none of them are his people, but it runs hard up against the insurmountable wave of Harold's care and loyalty toward those who choose to trust him. He knows he would not ever abandon them, he knows if he were faced with this kind of choice it would be a very hard decision indeed. Yet at the same time, he's hard-pressed to explain to an outsider the kind of suicide crusade Team Machine is on, to do something good before they die but always, always, be expecting that death. It doesn't feel like such a betrayal in that light.

Instead he finds he can only state what is true. ]

Yes. That does haunt me.

It's selfish of me, but I will not be stabbing you, or shooting you, as I will not be stabbing or shooting Mr. Reese or Ms. Shaw. At all.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ There's a long pause. ]

It's not a fucking person. It's just hungry and rotting and I've done some evil shit in my time but I don't actually want a plague on my soul. You get that?

[ornithologist]

I'll ensure it's taken care of, I just won't be doing it myself. Does that satisfy you?

[fortitudosalutis]

Has to, doesn't it?

[ornithologist]

[ wow he hates that ]

I'm sorry, but your neuroses don't trump mine. This is not a goal post I'll be moving.

[fortitudosalutis]

My fucking what?

[ornithologist]

As long as it gets done, why does it matter to you if I'm the one doing it?

[ That's not any more rational than his personal aversion to violence, in his opinion. ]

[fortitudosalutis]

Because you're assuming there'll be time to get somebody else in. If I'm down, maybe it takes hours before I'm up and rotting. Or maybe it's three minutes. You don't know. Nobody fucking knows.

This is stone cold practicality, Finch.

[ornithologist]

I'm not foreclosing the possibility. I'll do it if I must.

But do not presume to make my choices for me.

[fortitudosalutis]

Then let me show you how to do it properly.

I'm not making you do shit, Finch. I'm asking you for a favor.

[ornithologist]

[ oh god, oh no. that is hard to refute ]

It would mean that much to you?

[fortitudosalutis]

Yes.

[ornithologist]

I have a firearm. Will that suffice? You said a bullet would work.

I'll save a bullet for you. That's undoubtedly the most horrible thing I've ever typed and I'm going to have nightmares.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ He almost says not to waste the bullet. That ammunition is scarce and cannot be wasted. But this is hard for Harold, he's realizing, maybe on some fundamental level. Sometimes you have to give people grace for the hard shit. ]

Yeah. That'll do it.

It's not a person. I won't feel it, I'll already be gone.

[ornithologist]

[ There's a 0% chance he'll be stabbing anyone in the head, but maybe, like, a 10% chance Harold might be willing to shoot a corpse. Maybe. It's non-zero. ]

Please stop trying to reassure me. I'll do it to spare further suffering if I must but it will not make me feel better to think you're already dead.

[fortitudosalutis]

My heart won't be pumping. The eyes will be open but it won't recognize you. They don't feel anything but hungry. I'm just explaining the conditions you'll see.

[ornithologist]

Yes. Thank you. Please stop.

[fortitudosalutis]

I trained kids how to do this in Afghanistan, with knives. This is easier. You don't have to feel bad about it. You don't have to feel anything. It's a net positive for the world.