[ Harold can easily read into this as a request to vent, and accordingly he doesn't respond with tedious moralizing. The feeling is completely different from taking action on it, after all, a distinction he considers paramount. ]
Only in my less flattering moments, but it has been known to occur, yes. What in particular has earned your ire? Perhaps we could limit the arson to the culprits.
[ This is obviously a joke, but maybe some dark humor will help. ]
[ Healthy venting is using words, Accelerator. Punching walls is toxic masculinity!
Indicating he's the problem... that's a somewhat different story. Harold empathizes with that deeply, all too aware of his own past crimes and potential to cause harm. Accelerator knows the truth about him enough, and Harold trusts him enough, to be fairly honest here. Moreover, Accelerator is very young and Harold is willing to make more concessions than he would with an adult. ]
I can't say it always has. Acting on my emotions without reasoning is what led to my treason charge, to be honest. I had to abandon my name and my life as a result when I wasn't much older than you. I've tried to learn that lesson since.
More recently I have to confess that the Machine stopped me. Not literally. It just kept ringing phones near me.
[ Somehow that was enough to eventually make him reconsider, and Harold has taken that lesson to heart, too. Someone stubbornly reminding you that you're capable of better... he's employed that to great effect ever since it worked on him. ]
[But kicking people into/through famous landmarks is so satisfying....
Getting more details about Harold's treason charge is interesting, he wouldn't have guessed that's what it led to.]
Did you hate having to do that? Or was your life so dogshit that it ended up being a blessing in disguise?
[He's curious. His file had listed skills and events, and it's hard to determine whether a life was happy or not through just that.]
Okay, what the hell. First, the Machine stopped you by annoying you to death? And what were you planning on doing that they needed to do that in the first place?
[ There's being honest and then there's spilling all of his personal details, which he's not about to do. But he can hint. ]
Suffice to say it wasn't easy for me.
Aurora has access to your mental functioning, doesn't she? I think her messaging you every time you were about to do something unwise would be an effective deterrent.
[ Harold is not answering that second question at all, but he is inadvertently hinting that the way Accelerator feels about Aurora might resemble the way Harold feels about the Machine in some fashion. ]
[That's enough for Accelerator, he doesn't need details to pick up on what Harold means.]
Oh. If you could've changed that, would you?
[Hmm, that makes him think. He notices Harold not answering the second question and it makes him want to push, but he does the mature thing and refrains.]
I'd feel bad if she was wasting that much time on me. She's got better things to do, and I don't need babysitting.
[Harold is right, though. It'd be an effective deterrent regardless.]
[ It's true that they do have an odd kind of tacit understanding -- Harold doesn't want to give personal details and Accelerator doesn't ask. It makes the conversation relatively smooth instead of the awkward push and pull Harold tends to end up in when others touch on his backstory and he refuses to elaborate. ]
At the time, yes. In retrospect I can't imagine my life going any differently, but that's no reason you shouldn't learn from my mistakes.
You greatly underestimate the multi-tasking capabilities of an artificial super intelligence. [ Keeping track of Accelerator is probably not more than a blip in her processing power. But they're really getting off on a tangent here, so Harold tries to bring it back. ]
Well, my biological family abandoned me and I abandoned the life I had before I turned myself in to law enforcement, so too late for that.
[Not that it isn't a good lesson. Accelerator just doesn't think he'd ever be in the position to take advantage of it.
This is over text, so Harold is missing the snort he makes. Okay, that's likely true, but he can't help feeling like a pathetic burden on her already.
There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to answer that question. The temptation to dismiss it is nearly overwhelming, but he kind of showed his hand with his very first text. It'd be obvious he was lying.
Fine, then. He's feeling like crap, he may as well wallow in those feelings.]
I meant it far more metaphorically and less literally. I was taking your question seriously. I try to stop myself from acting on impulse because I've seen the consequences of if I don't.
Well, without you breaking his confidence, I can say that he told me he was horrified by your circumstances. I assume it was something to do with that.
[ Hm. Harold really can't guess what it would be otherwise, but if Accelerator promised not to share then he won't pry. ]
Were you or were you not one of them at one time? [ he can't help pointing out first. ] What is it that you're at fault for here with Mr. Tallis? This is a sincere question.
[ Harold has been on the internet since the dawn of time so of course he knows the sarcasm vs. sincerity issue in text communication. ]
I'm not now, I'm just letting it happen because I'm not shutting down the Power Curriculum Program.
Look, he
[God, what's he supposed to say here? This almost feels physically painful.]
He tried to relate to me. And that was a mistake. I get he was just trying to be nice, but trying to relate to a monster means you're only going to drag yourself down.
I'm sure you have your reasons for that. I may or may not agree with them, but I don't expect that it's a senseless decision.
[ Which is more or less what he said to Jayce. As for the second part -- Harold's heart hurts just reading it. He tries to pick his words carefully. ]
In my discussion with him I became a little frustrated myself, if I'm honest. Things seem rather simple from his perspective. But from mine, I have seen good people commit incomprehensible atrocities, and I have seen 'monsters' as you put it save many lives.
I don't think you need me or anyone else to be nice, Accelerator. I think you do need us to take you seriously.
[He does have his reasons. He isn't sure if they're good enough, especially not right now, but he does have them. And it's kind of nice Harold is assuming that, instead of thinking he's being childish or in over his head.]
I'm not a good person. I know I'm not, so don't pretend that I am.
I think you're right about taking me seriously, though. People don't know about me here so I get treated like a normal child.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
delicious tl;dr
Only in my less flattering moments, but it has been known to occur, yes. What in particular has earned your ire? Perhaps we could limit the arson to the culprits.
[ This is obviously a joke, but maybe some dark humor will help. ]
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I'd rather not set myself on fire.
[It's him, he's the problem. His stupid brain and his stupid hangups and his stupid sense of responsibility and his stupid - well, everything.]
What stopped you from using that brain of yours from just ruining fucking everything that pissed you off?
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Indicating he's the problem... that's a somewhat different story. Harold empathizes with that deeply, all too aware of his own past crimes and potential to cause harm. Accelerator knows the truth about him enough, and Harold trusts him enough, to be fairly honest here. Moreover, Accelerator is very young and Harold is willing to make more concessions than he would with an adult. ]
I can't say it always has. Acting on my emotions without reasoning is what led to my treason charge, to be honest. I had to abandon my name and my life as a result when I wasn't much older than you. I've tried to learn that lesson since.
More recently I have to confess that the Machine stopped me. Not literally. It just kept ringing phones near me.
[ Somehow that was enough to eventually make him reconsider, and Harold has taken that lesson to heart, too. Someone stubbornly reminding you that you're capable of better... he's employed that to great effect ever since it worked on him. ]
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Getting more details about Harold's treason charge is interesting, he wouldn't have guessed that's what it led to.]
Did you hate having to do that? Or was your life so dogshit that it ended up being a blessing in disguise?
[He's curious. His file had listed skills and events, and it's hard to determine whether a life was happy or not through just that.]
Okay, what the hell. First, the Machine stopped you by annoying you to death? And what were you planning on doing that they needed to do that in the first place?
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Suffice to say it wasn't easy for me.
Aurora has access to your mental functioning, doesn't she? I think her messaging you every time you were about to do something unwise would be an effective deterrent.
[ Harold is not answering that second question at all, but he is inadvertently hinting that the way Accelerator feels about Aurora might resemble the way Harold feels about the Machine in some fashion. ]
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Oh. If you could've changed that, would you?
[Hmm, that makes him think. He notices Harold not answering the second question and it makes him want to push, but he does the mature thing and refrains.]
I'd feel bad if she was wasting that much time on me. She's got better things to do, and I don't need babysitting.
[Harold is right, though. It'd be an effective deterrent regardless.]
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At the time, yes. In retrospect I can't imagine my life going any differently, but that's no reason you shouldn't learn from my mistakes.
You greatly underestimate the multi-tasking capabilities of an artificial super intelligence. [ Keeping track of Accelerator is probably not more than a blip in her processing power. But they're really getting off on a tangent here, so Harold tries to bring it back. ]
What is it that's bothering you?
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[Not that it isn't a good lesson. Accelerator just doesn't think he'd ever be in the position to take advantage of it.
This is over text, so Harold is missing the snort he makes. Okay, that's likely true, but he can't help feeling like a pathetic burden on her already.
There's a pause as he tries to figure out how to answer that question. The temptation to dismiss it is nearly overwhelming, but he kind of showed his hand with his very first text. It'd be obvious he was lying.
Fine, then. He's feeling like crap, he may as well wallow in those feelings.]
How often do I piss you off?
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So far, not at all.
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Hmph.
People die when I get impulsive. That's not a problem.
[....... Okay, now he must be joking.]
What? No fucking way.
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For what reason would I have been angry with you?
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Harsh words aren't something I get angry over.
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[No, it doesn't. He's just feeling aggrieved that Harold is being so kind and patient.]
I keep pissed Talis off. I think he hates me by this point.
[That's what makes him feel sick.]
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I doubt he hates you. More likely you're causing him to reevaluate some moral positions he's been comfortable in. A painful process indeed.
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No. No, I didn't do that. This was beyond a moral disagreement, especially for him.
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[At the very least, he can live up to that promise.]
But it was pretty fucking emotionally devastating, I guess.
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Were you or were you not one of them at one time? [ he can't help pointing out first. ] What is it that you're at fault for here with Mr. Tallis? This is a sincere question.
[ Harold has been on the internet since the dawn of time so of course he knows the sarcasm vs. sincerity issue in text communication. ]
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Look, he
[God, what's he supposed to say here? This almost feels physically painful.]
He tried to relate to me. And that was a mistake. I get he was just trying to be nice, but trying to relate to a monster means you're only going to drag yourself down.
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[ Which is more or less what he said to Jayce. As for the second part -- Harold's heart hurts just reading it. He tries to pick his words carefully. ]
In my discussion with him I became a little frustrated myself, if I'm honest. Things seem rather simple from his perspective. But from mine, I have seen good people commit incomprehensible atrocities, and I have seen 'monsters' as you put it save many lives.
I don't think you need me or anyone else to be nice, Accelerator. I think you do need us to take you seriously.
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[He does have his reasons. He isn't sure if they're good enough, especially not right now, but he does have them. And it's kind of nice Harold is assuming that, instead of thinking he's being childish or in over his head.]
I'm not a good person. I know I'm not, so don't pretend that I am.
I think you're right about taking me seriously, though. People don't know about me here so I get treated like a normal child.
[He is not a normal child, thank you.]
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I can imagine. Either too much like a child or too much like an adult, I suspect? It's challenging when you defy the expected categories.
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