Yeah That'd help Some food. Maybe beer if you can find any
[ It's occurred to Carver that he'll need to make a pitch for this. That he can't leave Bossie anymore than Bossie can, at the moment, be left unsupervised around civilians. And he knows that Harold and the others might refuse to allow this. They're practical, in the end. Survivors. ]
I trained him. He's as good as me in hand to hand. Buckles down when it matters.
[ Bossie's useful. Very useful. That's what matters. ]
[ Carver huffs at that. It's a small detail. A commonality between them he hopes might matter somehow. It matters here, he thinks. Even if only to cut some of the tension. ]
I don't know anymore We haven't had beer in ten years I'll cook him tikka masala if you can get me the ingredients
[ There's no tension on Harold's part; he's worried to realize how much there is on Carver's that he thinks he needs to draw a personal connection for Harold to accept someone he'd called his brother. ]
Consider it done. As for beer, I'll leave a variety. Not that I know what kind of beer counts as good anyway.
[ That's a mild attempt to lighten the mood by poking fun at himself. Then, cautiously, ]
Are you relieved to not be alone any longer?
[ He won't pretend that they could fulfill the same position in Carver's life that his brothers and sisters would. ]
[ There's another pause. He almost leaves it at that, but there's an understanding between them now. The beginnings of one, however tentative. Harold called him a friend. And there's a part of Carver that wants to keep that. ]
It was a bad time back home He got hurt really bad Don't know how much he remembers
[ He recognizes this as more forthcoming than professionalism would warrant, and it inspires a multitude of conflicted feelings in him. Memory is a complicated subject for Harold. He mourns his father's loss of memory so deeply, but he'd also stripped it from the Machine intentionally, resetting her every night for years upon years until she could take ownership of her own processes through a contingency he'd purposefully coded for.
Can he really say anything about this without being an immense hypocrite? Probably not. ]
But he's physically all right now, you said? It's such a strange acclimatization to be here. He's fortunate to have you here to provide familiarity through it.
[ Better than waking up burned and brutalized. There's a scar on Bossie's back from the knife, the same wound that Pope condemned him for, but it's healed up just fine.
Carver doesn't say anything more for a long time. He almost leaves it at that. ]
[ There's a delay in response as Harold determines it's best not to challenge this directly, however much he wants to. That is a profound betrayal -- but he thinks Carver knows that already, intrinsically, and is struggling to rationalize it. ]
Then he must be very confused.
[ Deserved or not by your own mind, someone you see as an authority, almost as a parent if not explicitly, hurting you... it's deeply confusing.
He remembers sharply what it had been like to realize he was doing that to the Machine, and how she'd tried to reconcile it. ]
[ Harold had been scared, too, for a long time after arriving, but he's not sure that's wise to say and he can't quite push past his own reticence in admitting it. ]
It's easier to be that for someone else than for yourself, isn't it?
If you can convince him Ms. Shaw or Mr. Reese is adequate protection in your place, they can take a shift from you.
[ The only time in his life Harold had been completely without allies was a very dark time indeed, when he'd almost killed Alicia Corwin, been stuck in a wheelchair and constantly wondering why he was still alive. ]
[ It sounds like there should be more to that story, but he's not sure it's immediately relevant. Realistically, the rest of the story is just going to be sad. He's also reminded of how much he detests use of the word 'marked', but it's not the first time he's heard this, so he doesn't harp on it. ]
So it wasn't safe to get attached to anyone. I can appreciate that mindset. Being close to me has been dangerous for others for several years.
One of the stranger things about being in Etraya, I think, is how much less necessary it is to guard my identity.
If it's possible for us to be here, maybe it's possible to shepherd those from your world to another. A kind of transdimensional refugee migration -- saving the people rather than the world.
I don't know if I can conscience knowing that it's theoretically possible, and that in your world people are killing one another for food, and not try to pursue it.
[ If that's a huge swerve and too ambitious to seem real, well, that's just how Harold decides things: abruptly and completely. He just can't listen to (or read) things like this and not try to take action. If he were better at accepting the sad realities of existence, he'd never have made the Machine. ]
[ He hadn't thought of that and can't say why the idea sits uncomfortable in him now when Harold lays it out. Maybe because most of the people Carver's met in the last decade have been evil, spiteful little shits. Cruel to each other simply for the sake of it.
He doesn't say that. It wouldn't help. ]
That'd be dangerous. Most of them wouldn't thank you for it.
[ In Harold's opinion, that is what tends to happen to people under immense duress and constant peril, Mr. Carver himself being one example. Changing their circumstances for the better also allows them to become better people. ]
I can't say I've ever particularly cared about being thanked, but point taken about the dangerousness. It isn't something to be undertaken lightly, of course. But if it's something you'd like to pursue, I will support you.
[ If John is here, why couldn't Matthew Shaw be? But that isn't a discussion to be undertaken lightly, either. And it means something to him that Carver doesn't react with incredulity or wariness, about what Harold would expect in return.
It seems like he just believes that he would. That's a remarkable indicator of progress, if so. ]
[ He's thankful, in the end, that Harold doesn't push. Just accepts the answer and moves on. The rest of the conversation is complicated enough as it is. ]
Okay I guess Had a bad night but he hasn't stabbed me yet
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That'd help
Some food. Maybe beer if you can find any
[ It's occurred to Carver that he'll need to make a pitch for this. That he can't leave Bossie anymore than Bossie can, at the moment, be left unsupervised around civilians. And he knows that Harold and the others might refuse to allow this. They're practical, in the end. Survivors. ]
I trained him. He's as good as me in hand to hand. Buckles down when it matters.
[ Bossie's useful. Very useful. That's what matters. ]
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I don't care if he's an infirm dependent, I told you that I would not abandon anyone you wished to take care of. I stand by that.
Neither of you need to prove yourselves to me.
[ Demonstrably, Team Machine is not actually very good at surviving. ]
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We'll pull our weight. Always.
He likes birds too.
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Does he have a favorite food or beer?
[ Okay, he can't totally suppress his desire to be precise and to spoil people. ]
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I don't know anymore
We haven't had beer in ten years
I'll cook him tikka masala if you can get me the ingredients
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Consider it done. As for beer, I'll leave a variety. Not that I know what kind of beer counts as good anyway.
[ That's a mild attempt to lighten the mood by poking fun at himself. Then, cautiously, ]
Are you relieved to not be alone any longer?
[ He won't pretend that they could fulfill the same position in Carver's life that his brothers and sisters would. ]
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It's just what we'd drink when we hung out before the world ended
[ Habit, at this point. He's hoping it'll be comforting for Bossie. ]
Yeah
He's my little brother
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I'm glad to hear that. We will try to protect him whether or not you can persuade him of our good intentions. You needn't worry.
[ Agreeing to protection has never been a prerequisite for them saving a number. ]
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[ There's another pause. He almost leaves it at that, but there's an understanding between them now. The beginnings of one, however tentative. Harold called him a friend. And there's a part of Carver that wants to keep that. ]
It was a bad time back home
He got hurt really bad
Don't know how much he remembers
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Can he really say anything about this without being an immense hypocrite? Probably not. ]
But he's physically all right now, you said? It's such a strange acclimatization to be here. He's fortunate to have you here to provide familiarity through it.
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[ Better than waking up burned and brutalized. There's a scar on Bossie's back from the knife, the same wound that Pope condemned him for, but it's healed up just fine.
Carver doesn't say anything more for a long time. He almost leaves it at that. ]
Pope hurt him
[ It's a sin to admit this to an outsider. ]
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Then he must be very confused.
[ Deserved or not by your own mind, someone you see as an authority, almost as a parent if not explicitly, hurting you... it's deeply confusing.
He remembers sharply what it had been like to realize he was doing that to the Machine, and how she'd tried to reconcile it. ]
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[ The unspoken part: that Carver's scared, too. He doesn't know what to do with that thought. It's a sin, surely. ]
I'm trying to be steady for him
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It's easier to be that for someone else than for yourself, isn't it?
If you can convince him Ms. Shaw or Mr. Reese is adequate protection in your place, they can take a shift from you.
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[ That's the sad, brutal truth of it. ]
That's not a good idea. He won't sleep around them.
I'm working on it. We didn't have allies back home.
cw: mild internalized ableism
[ The only time in his life Harold had been completely without allies was a very dark time indeed, when he'd almost killed Alicia Corwin, been stuck in a wheelchair and constantly wondering why he was still alive. ]
None at all? Why not?
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[ He almost leaves it at that. But that's not the whole picture, is it? ]
Pope started marking people after that.
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So it wasn't safe to get attached to anyone. I can appreciate that mindset. Being close to me has been dangerous for others for several years.
One of the stranger things about being in Etraya, I think, is how much less necessary it is to guard my identity.
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[ They locked it down. They protected themselves. Even now, he's not certain Pope was wrong to do it. ]
Yeah. I get that.
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I don't know if I can conscience knowing that it's theoretically possible, and that in your world people are killing one another for food, and not try to pursue it.
[ If that's a huge swerve and too ambitious to seem real, well, that's just how Harold decides things: abruptly and completely. He just can't listen to (or read) things like this and not try to take action. If he were better at accepting the sad realities of existence, he'd never have made the Machine. ]
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He doesn't say that. It wouldn't help. ]
That'd be dangerous. Most of them wouldn't thank you for it.
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I can't say I've ever particularly cared about being thanked, but point taken about the dangerousness. It isn't something to be undertaken lightly, of course. But if it's something you'd like to pursue, I will support you.
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Maybe it's because a world that doesn't have Matthew Shaw in it is a world Carver doesn't want to save.
Maybe. ]
I don't know if that's something I should answer.
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[ If John is here, why couldn't Matthew Shaw be? But that isn't a discussion to be undertaken lightly, either. And it means something to him that Carver doesn't react with incredulity or wariness, about what Harold would expect in return.
It seems like he just believes that he would. That's a remarkable indicator of progress, if so. ]
How is your brother doing with the adjustment?
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Okay I guess
Had a bad night but he hasn't stabbed me yet
[ This both is and is not a joke. ]
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