.//INBOX

[ornithologist]

Comments

[fortitudosalutis]

[ Oh. ]

He felt bad about it after.

[ornithologist]

I imagine it felt like exposing a wound to the open air. It's bound to hurt.

But it wasn't anything I feel warrants an apology.

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah.
Exactly like that.

[ There's a long pause. Then: ]

I know we're not easy to be around. I know that.

[ornithologist]

Please don't project your self-castigation onto me. I don't find either of you difficult at all.

[fortitudosalutis]

I'm sorry.

[ornithologist]

What did I just say?

[ But he means it ruefully. ]

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, or his. It just hasn't been my experience. If you're wondering what I'm thinking, then ask.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ There's a long pause. ]

I think I'm fucking it up with Bossie
That's all.

[ornithologist]

Why do you think that?

[fortitudosalutis]

He's hurt and I don't know how to make it better.

[ornithologist]

Funny. That's more or less what he said to me.

Maybe you should say it to each other.

[fortitudosalutis]

Oh

[ He sits with that for another long pause. Maybe too long. ]

It's hard to shake sometimes. There were things we weren't supposed to talk about back home.

[ornithologist]

I can understand that. It's difficult to air out those wounds.

But I think you already know that if you want someone else to put down their defenses, you should put down yours first.

[fortitudosalutis]

How'd you do it?

[ornithologist]

I suppose it's much like putting your weapon down first. You accept that you might get hurt.

[fortitudosalutis]

I haven't done that for a long time. Not even for a minute.

Think I want to try, though.

[ornithologist]

There are things worth more than getting hurt. To me, at least.

It becomes so simple from that angle.

[fortitudosalutis]

Big risk, isn't it?

[ornithologist]

Sometimes the alternative is the bigger risk, don't you think?

When you let protecting yourself become a reflex, you also choose the consequences of that. It can mean other people pay the price instead of you.

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah
It was like that in the Reapers
I don't know what it looks like to step away from that

Think I want to try, though

[ornithologist]

Perhaps you can start by telling Mr. Bossie just what you told me here.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ ... ]

Yeah

[ornithologist]

You care for one another very much. At home we settle on a particular way of showing that, one that we consider safe.

Etraya does rather open up our options.

[fortitudosalutis]

It's hard sometimes. Having options. Was simpler back home.

Not always better, though.

[ornithologist]

Are you familiar with the concept of the paradox of choice?

[fortitudosalutis]

No