[ He deliberately doesn't add something about how he is at peace about dying without this resolved if that's what John prefers, because he doesn't want to alarm Accelerator. The same way earlier he had thought it but declined to say, He died for me, to save me and for my ideals; I have nothing I could doubt.
What are labels in the face of that? Meanwhile, he's conscientious that Accelerator had needed him to confirm twice that he was proud of him, and considers how to drive the point home. He never intended to become this kind of figure for him -- he hesitates to name it in even in his own mind -- but, just like with the Machine, here it is. He can accept it, or accept the consequences of refusing to. ]
For your fear and disgust I have only compassion. You are not alone in those feelings. Or would you judge me for the same?
[He supposes that if Harold doesn't want to, he can see John being the same way. It's still kind of weird to him, but if neither of them want to then it isn't a problem, is it?
On its own that question isn't difficult to answer, it's when it's surrounded by all that context that it becomes complicated. Or... rather, in Accelerator's mind it does, because the obvious, correct answer means confirming what Harold has just said: that compassion is (and should be) extended to him.
Unsurprisingly, that's a tough pill for Accelerator to swallow. But he does, because despite his own feelings (mainly his self-loathing), he gets that it's the right thing to do.]
He hasn't indicated to me that he does, and I haven't asked.
[ He hesitates, but given the overall emotional honesty he's tacitly demanding of Accelerator in this conversation, he forces himself to go farther. ]
I wouldn't jeopardize what we have for anything.
[ He died for me, Harold thinks again, helplessly, in a very personal way, and then wrenches his mind forward and on. It lands inexorably on Caleb Phipps, once about to throw himself in front of a train and later a pivotal piece of the puzzle to taking down Samaritan. In the wake of failing to save Claire Mahoney, it'd been so easy to forget about the young person he had saved. But then he'd looked at him and said Mr. Swift and offered him anything that he had. ]
Who you are is not a divisible number. No one of us can be distilled to any more elementary piece, any smaller value. Each person is a unique and irrational number, and our component feelings and mistakes and losses can't be precisely quantified enough to pull them out.
Trying to solve for that is like thinking you can find the last digit of pi -- not only is that futile, but you've discovered pi and you're fixated on finding its decimals, like that even matters in the slightest compared to what it is. It's a waste.
So no, I don't judge your feelings. They are a few decimals in an infinite, undefinable number.
[It's an honest question, he's even avoiding any cursing when he types that out. He's aware from cultural osmosis that communication in a relationship, even one you don't define, is important, but with Harold and John's relationship already being so unusual Accelerator isn't sure if talking about it is even necessary for the two of them.
He reads through the rest, the mathematical way Harold is trying to explain this hitting him deeply. He imagines that wouldn't be the case for most people, but he isn't most people.]
It's hard to believe that. For as long as I can remember I've defined the entire goddamn world by solving mathematical formulas, including myself. [He's taking what Harold says seriously though, ruminating on it.] But I guess that's just the easy way out for someone like me, right? It's a lot harder for me to just accept those decimals don't matter.
Maybe not. [ He has to concede that; it's hard to fathom anything could shake the foundation he and John have now, the resolve they have to stick together. That much they have agreed on out loud. ] But it's not the sort of thing you casually slide into conversation.
[ Harold is good at thinking things through -- not so much at talking. His painfully precise, articulate manner of speech is partly a deliberate attempt to make up for that.
It's such a relief to see that his words hit home somehow. Harold cares so desperately about getting this right. ]
You have so much control over the world around you, I can imagine it's frustrating for there to be elements outside of that control, especially within yourself. But our minds do not work rationally, so attempting to corral your thoughts and feelings (or anyone else's) with rationality is a bit of a fool's errand.
I have two books I might suggest for you if you want more thinking on this topic that isn't me waxing eloquent over the text messaging system.
Yeah, it isn't. I have no idea how you'd talk to him about it.
[Maybe, given that it's Harold and John, it isn't worth bringing up.]
Well, at least you get how this pisses me off.
[Leave it to Harold to be able to understand the complex situation about how his ability affects his feelings. It makes him feel a little less heavy knowing there's at least one person here who understands his frustrations.]
I don't mind the verbosity, but I'll take the book titles anyways.
[ Accelerator had been pushing so much on what John and Harold were to one another, Harold is a little surprised to see him acquiesce so easily, but maybe it was pure curiosity toward a topic that was rarely openly discussed. He's also not sure what to make of being reassured Accelerator doesn't mind him going on at length, so he doesn't address it.
However good he is at coming off as sure of himself in interpersonal interactions, he really has spent a lifetime avoiding sincere connection. ]
I'd venture to say it's one of the most enduring frustrations of the human condition, if that consoles you any. Your circumstances may be exceptional, but nothing about your feelings regarding them has surprised me.
Here are two books, but it would not be a challenge to come up with a plethora more.
Non-fiction, a primer on research into human thought processes by a psychologist who won a Nobel in economics:
Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman (2011)
Fiction, a seminal work on authoritarianism that serves as an effective treatise on the dangers of trying to control thought:
1984, by George Orwell (1949)
[So... if anything, this is just reinforcing his humanity? This is like when that Level 0 died, how even though he didn't feel it in the moment he needed to remember that his humanity still exists, in some form.]
That feels hard to believe.
[Before talking to Harold he had felt so isolated.]
But that's good, I guess. If you aren't surprised then that means my head isn't as fucking messed up as it feels.
[At least, he knows he has Harold who understands what he's going through, and that means a lot to him.]
I'm never going to say no to more books. I'll look both of these up to start with. I know George Orwell.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ He deliberately doesn't add something about how he is at peace about dying without this resolved if that's what John prefers, because he doesn't want to alarm Accelerator. The same way earlier he had thought it but declined to say, He died for me, to save me and for my ideals; I have nothing I could doubt.
What are labels in the face of that? Meanwhile, he's conscientious that Accelerator had needed him to confirm twice that he was proud of him, and considers how to drive the point home. He never intended to become this kind of figure for him -- he hesitates to name it in even in his own mind -- but, just like with the Machine, here it is. He can accept it, or accept the consequences of refusing to. ]
For your fear and disgust I have only compassion. You are not alone in those feelings. Or would you judge me for the same?
no subject
[He supposes that if Harold doesn't want to, he can see John being the same way. It's still kind of weird to him, but if neither of them want to then it isn't a problem, is it?
On its own that question isn't difficult to answer, it's when it's surrounded by all that context that it becomes complicated. Or... rather, in Accelerator's mind it does, because the obvious, correct answer means confirming what Harold has just said: that compassion is (and should be) extended to him.
Unsurprisingly, that's a tough pill for Accelerator to swallow. But he does, because despite his own feelings (mainly his self-loathing), he gets that it's the right thing to do.]
No. I wouldn't.
no subject
[ He hesitates, but given the overall emotional honesty he's tacitly demanding of Accelerator in this conversation, he forces himself to go farther. ]
I wouldn't jeopardize what we have for anything.
[ He died for me, Harold thinks again, helplessly, in a very personal way, and then wrenches his mind forward and on. It lands inexorably on Caleb Phipps, once about to throw himself in front of a train and later a pivotal piece of the puzzle to taking down Samaritan. In the wake of failing to save Claire Mahoney, it'd been so easy to forget about the young person he had saved. But then he'd looked at him and said Mr. Swift and offered him anything that he had. ]
Who you are is not a divisible number. No one of us can be distilled to any more elementary piece, any smaller value. Each person is a unique and irrational number, and our component feelings and mistakes and losses can't be precisely quantified enough to pull them out.
Trying to solve for that is like thinking you can find the last digit of pi -- not only is that futile, but you've discovered pi and you're fixated on finding its decimals, like that even matters in the slightest compared to what it is. It's a waste.
So no, I don't judge your feelings. They are a few decimals in an infinite, undefinable number.
no subject
[It's an honest question, he's even avoiding any cursing when he types that out. He's aware from cultural osmosis that communication in a relationship, even one you don't define, is important, but with Harold and John's relationship already being so unusual Accelerator isn't sure if talking about it is even necessary for the two of them.
He reads through the rest, the mathematical way Harold is trying to explain this hitting him deeply. He imagines that wouldn't be the case for most people, but he isn't most people.]
It's hard to believe that. For as long as I can remember I've defined the entire goddamn world by solving mathematical formulas, including myself. [He's taking what Harold says seriously though, ruminating on it.] But I guess that's just the easy way out for someone like me, right? It's a lot harder for me to just accept those decimals don't matter.
no subject
[ Harold is good at thinking things through -- not so much at talking. His painfully precise, articulate manner of speech is partly a deliberate attempt to make up for that.
It's such a relief to see that his words hit home somehow. Harold cares so desperately about getting this right. ]
You have so much control over the world around you, I can imagine it's frustrating for there to be elements outside of that control, especially within yourself. But our minds do not work rationally, so attempting to corral your thoughts and feelings (or anyone else's) with rationality is a bit of a fool's errand.
I have two books I might suggest for you if you want more thinking on this topic that isn't me waxing eloquent over the text messaging system.
no subject
[Maybe, given that it's Harold and John, it isn't worth bringing up.]
Well, at least you get how this pisses me off.
[Leave it to Harold to be able to understand the complex situation about how his ability affects his feelings. It makes him feel a little less heavy knowing there's at least one person here who understands his frustrations.]
I don't mind the verbosity, but I'll take the book titles anyways.
no subject
[ Accelerator had been pushing so much on what John and Harold were to one another, Harold is a little surprised to see him acquiesce so easily, but maybe it was pure curiosity toward a topic that was rarely openly discussed. He's also not sure what to make of being reassured Accelerator doesn't mind him going on at length, so he doesn't address it.
However good he is at coming off as sure of himself in interpersonal interactions, he really has spent a lifetime avoiding sincere connection. ]
I'd venture to say it's one of the most enduring frustrations of the human condition, if that consoles you any. Your circumstances may be exceptional, but nothing about your feelings regarding them has surprised me.
Here are two books, but it would not be a challenge to come up with a plethora more.
Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman (2011)
1984, by George Orwell (1949)
no subject
That feels hard to believe.
[Before talking to Harold he had felt so isolated.]
But that's good, I guess. If you aren't surprised then that means my head isn't as fucking messed up as it feels.
[At least, he knows he has Harold who understands what he's going through, and that means a lot to him.]
I'm never going to say no to more books. I'll look both of these up to start with. I know George Orwell.