[He supposes that if Harold doesn't want to, he can see John being the same way. It's still kind of weird to him, but if neither of them want to then it isn't a problem, is it?
On its own that question isn't difficult to answer, it's when it's surrounded by all that context that it becomes complicated. Or... rather, in Accelerator's mind it does, because the obvious, correct answer means confirming what Harold has just said: that compassion is (and should be) extended to him.
Unsurprisingly, that's a tough pill for Accelerator to swallow. But he does, because despite his own feelings (mainly his self-loathing), he gets that it's the right thing to do.]
He hasn't indicated to me that he does, and I haven't asked.
[ He hesitates, but given the overall emotional honesty he's tacitly demanding of Accelerator in this conversation, he forces himself to go farther. ]
I wouldn't jeopardize what we have for anything.
[ He died for me, Harold thinks again, helplessly, in a very personal way, and then wrenches his mind forward and on. It lands inexorably on Caleb Phipps, once about to throw himself in front of a train and later a pivotal piece of the puzzle to taking down Samaritan. In the wake of failing to save Claire Mahoney, it'd been so easy to forget about the young person he had saved. But then he'd looked at him and said Mr. Swift and offered him anything that he had. ]
Who you are is not a divisible number. No one of us can be distilled to any more elementary piece, any smaller value. Each person is a unique and irrational number, and our component feelings and mistakes and losses can't be precisely quantified enough to pull them out.
Trying to solve for that is like thinking you can find the last digit of pi -- not only is that futile, but you've discovered pi and you're fixated on finding its decimals, like that even matters in the slightest compared to what it is. It's a waste.
So no, I don't judge your feelings. They are a few decimals in an infinite, undefinable number.
[It's an honest question, he's even avoiding any cursing when he types that out. He's aware from cultural osmosis that communication in a relationship, even one you don't define, is important, but with Harold and John's relationship already being so unusual Accelerator isn't sure if talking about it is even necessary for the two of them.
He reads through the rest, the mathematical way Harold is trying to explain this hitting him deeply. He imagines that wouldn't be the case for most people, but he isn't most people.]
It's hard to believe that. For as long as I can remember I've defined the entire goddamn world by solving mathematical formulas, including myself. [He's taking what Harold says seriously though, ruminating on it.] But I guess that's just the easy way out for someone like me, right? It's a lot harder for me to just accept those decimals don't matter.
Maybe not. [ He has to concede that; it's hard to fathom anything could shake the foundation he and John have now, the resolve they have to stick together. That much they have agreed on out loud. ] But it's not the sort of thing you casually slide into conversation.
[ Harold is good at thinking things through -- not so much at talking. His painfully precise, articulate manner of speech is partly a deliberate attempt to make up for that.
It's such a relief to see that his words hit home somehow. Harold cares so desperately about getting this right. ]
You have so much control over the world around you, I can imagine it's frustrating for there to be elements outside of that control, especially within yourself. But our minds do not work rationally, so attempting to corral your thoughts and feelings (or anyone else's) with rationality is a bit of a fool's errand.
I have two books I might suggest for you if you want more thinking on this topic that isn't me waxing eloquent over the text messaging system.
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no subject
[He supposes that if Harold doesn't want to, he can see John being the same way. It's still kind of weird to him, but if neither of them want to then it isn't a problem, is it?
On its own that question isn't difficult to answer, it's when it's surrounded by all that context that it becomes complicated. Or... rather, in Accelerator's mind it does, because the obvious, correct answer means confirming what Harold has just said: that compassion is (and should be) extended to him.
Unsurprisingly, that's a tough pill for Accelerator to swallow. But he does, because despite his own feelings (mainly his self-loathing), he gets that it's the right thing to do.]
No. I wouldn't.
no subject
[ He hesitates, but given the overall emotional honesty he's tacitly demanding of Accelerator in this conversation, he forces himself to go farther. ]
I wouldn't jeopardize what we have for anything.
[ He died for me, Harold thinks again, helplessly, in a very personal way, and then wrenches his mind forward and on. It lands inexorably on Caleb Phipps, once about to throw himself in front of a train and later a pivotal piece of the puzzle to taking down Samaritan. In the wake of failing to save Claire Mahoney, it'd been so easy to forget about the young person he had saved. But then he'd looked at him and said Mr. Swift and offered him anything that he had. ]
Who you are is not a divisible number. No one of us can be distilled to any more elementary piece, any smaller value. Each person is a unique and irrational number, and our component feelings and mistakes and losses can't be precisely quantified enough to pull them out.
Trying to solve for that is like thinking you can find the last digit of pi -- not only is that futile, but you've discovered pi and you're fixated on finding its decimals, like that even matters in the slightest compared to what it is. It's a waste.
So no, I don't judge your feelings. They are a few decimals in an infinite, undefinable number.
no subject
[It's an honest question, he's even avoiding any cursing when he types that out. He's aware from cultural osmosis that communication in a relationship, even one you don't define, is important, but with Harold and John's relationship already being so unusual Accelerator isn't sure if talking about it is even necessary for the two of them.
He reads through the rest, the mathematical way Harold is trying to explain this hitting him deeply. He imagines that wouldn't be the case for most people, but he isn't most people.]
It's hard to believe that. For as long as I can remember I've defined the entire goddamn world by solving mathematical formulas, including myself. [He's taking what Harold says seriously though, ruminating on it.] But I guess that's just the easy way out for someone like me, right? It's a lot harder for me to just accept those decimals don't matter.
no subject
[ Harold is good at thinking things through -- not so much at talking. His painfully precise, articulate manner of speech is partly a deliberate attempt to make up for that.
It's such a relief to see that his words hit home somehow. Harold cares so desperately about getting this right. ]
You have so much control over the world around you, I can imagine it's frustrating for there to be elements outside of that control, especially within yourself. But our minds do not work rationally, so attempting to corral your thoughts and feelings (or anyone else's) with rationality is a bit of a fool's errand.
I have two books I might suggest for you if you want more thinking on this topic that isn't me waxing eloquent over the text messaging system.