.//INBOX

[ornithologist]

Comments

[fortitudosalutis]

[ Maybe the answer would be different if Bossie had flipped his shit in front of Harold. Or maybe Harold Finch would just take it in stride every time Carver's lost his goddamn mind in public. You have to think about the equation, though. If the damage is compounded by repetition. ]

He tell you war stories?

[ornithologist]

He wasn't graphic, no. More the standard type of self-effacing I've come to expect.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ Oh. ]

He felt bad about it after.

[ornithologist]

I imagine it felt like exposing a wound to the open air. It's bound to hurt.

But it wasn't anything I feel warrants an apology.

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah.
Exactly like that.

[ There's a long pause. Then: ]

I know we're not easy to be around. I know that.

[ornithologist]

Please don't project your self-castigation onto me. I don't find either of you difficult at all.

[fortitudosalutis]

I'm sorry.

[ornithologist]

What did I just say?

[ But he means it ruefully. ]

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, or his. It just hasn't been my experience. If you're wondering what I'm thinking, then ask.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ There's a long pause. ]

I think I'm fucking it up with Bossie
That's all.

[ornithologist]

Why do you think that?

[fortitudosalutis]

He's hurt and I don't know how to make it better.

[ornithologist]

Funny. That's more or less what he said to me.

Maybe you should say it to each other.

[fortitudosalutis]

Oh

[ He sits with that for another long pause. Maybe too long. ]

It's hard to shake sometimes. There were things we weren't supposed to talk about back home.

[ornithologist]

I can understand that. It's difficult to air out those wounds.

But I think you already know that if you want someone else to put down their defenses, you should put down yours first.

[fortitudosalutis]

How'd you do it?

[ornithologist]

I suppose it's much like putting your weapon down first. You accept that you might get hurt.

[fortitudosalutis]

I haven't done that for a long time. Not even for a minute.

Think I want to try, though.

[ornithologist]

There are things worth more than getting hurt. To me, at least.

It becomes so simple from that angle.

[fortitudosalutis]

Big risk, isn't it?

[ornithologist]

Sometimes the alternative is the bigger risk, don't you think?

When you let protecting yourself become a reflex, you also choose the consequences of that. It can mean other people pay the price instead of you.

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah
It was like that in the Reapers
I don't know what it looks like to step away from that

Think I want to try, though

[ornithologist]

Perhaps you can start by telling Mr. Bossie just what you told me here.

[fortitudosalutis]

[ ... ]

Yeah

[ornithologist]

You care for one another very much. At home we settle on a particular way of showing that, one that we consider safe.

Etraya does rather open up our options.

[fortitudosalutis]

It's hard sometimes. Having options. Was simpler back home.

Not always better, though.